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January 12, 2017
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As long as Trump obeys the will of the snake, he'll be on the straight and narrow!

Yesterday, President-Elect Donald Trump announced that he would put his incredibly successful businesses in a trust controlled by his two super-hot sons, Eric and Donald Jr., to avoid any “conflicts of interest” while he spends the next four years making America great again!

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I’ve got a “conflict of interest” alright. I’m “interested” in both of them!

Sorry, Russia! Buy all the Trump Steak you want, but it’s not gonna get gonna get you any favors - just the world’s most incredible meat!

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With Trump Steaks, you never “kompromat” when it comes to taste!

But the narcs at the Office of Government Ethics didn’t think he was going far enough. They want him to sell his entire business off to avoid “suspicions of corruption.” Apparently, only poor losers get to be President?

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Sorry Trump wanted to do something else with his life than be a “community organizer.” Like make a bunch of money!

So to silence his critics once again, Trump tweeted out this morning that the Trump Organization had brought on an independent ethics monitor to make absolutely sure that all of it’s future business dealings are up to snuff…

It’s a snake in a human skull.

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Artist rendering of the new “scales” of justice!

A snake in a skull in charge of ethics? Yeah, we’re thinking that should shut those crybaby haters up pretty dang quick.

For one, the snake in a skull isn’t in anybody’s pocket. No one even knows where it came from. It just appeared one night in a ring of smoldering ash on the floor of Trump’s penthouse.

Also, the snake in a skull won’t be paid by the Trump Organization, only fed with vials of little Barron Trump’s blood.

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Hope you’re not a ladykiller like your old man, Barron. The snake in a skull likes virgin blood!

And the snake in a skull has a reputation for being a straight shooter. When people look into its eyes, they can hear the words “feed” and “power” echoing inside their heads. Sounds like a nice break from all that typical Washington double-talk!

So don’t worry about the Trumps keeping on the straight and narrow. When Eric and Donald Jr. want to make sure that a new business proposal is on the up and up, all they have to do is lay a slaughtered calf on the altar of the snake and wait to see if it accepts their sacrifice.

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The buck stops here.

Keep draining that swamp, Donald! We trust you! And we know that as long as your sons obey the will of the snake, they’ll be doing what’s best for America!

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Now that’s one cold-blooded patriot!

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