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Published February 14, 2009
Original Myspace Blog Post: 2008

So I am contemplating becoming a Big Brother of America... or a Short Brother... whatever. My friend Bob did it, so if they let the gays in they'll let a hetero like me do it for sure. I went to the website and you are probably wondering what you actually have to do as a "Big Brother". Well, here is a list of the things you might wanna do as a "Big Brother", see if you can point out the one that seems like it doesn't belong... and I did not make this up:

"It's simple, too. You and your 'Little' can share the kinds of activities you already like to do, such as:
  • Shooting hoops
  • Playing a board game
  • Going on a hike
  • Enjoying a pizza
  • Learning to cook Latin American dishes such as asopao from Puerto Rico or ropa vieja from Cuba"

Ummmm... WHAT..... THE.... FUCK?

Honestly, who plays boardgames anymore? I mean really...

POSTSCRIPT Right Now 2009:

Okay, I never became a Big Brother. "But why, Tim!? Why did you ignore all the 'little's'? What about the little brothers, Timmy!?" Well it's pretty obvious, folks. I'm a racist. When I originally envisioned my foray into "big brothering" first of all I thought I would be Hulk Hogan. I'm thinking I'm gonna be telling kids to say their prayers, eat their vitamins and grow a bitchin' mustache. I'm stalling, I know. Everyone that knows me knows that this part would have been true no matter what. I'm pretty much Hulk Hogan in every way. I'm really smart, super strong and powerful... I'm basically made of steel and lion teeth and one day I too will raise a wrestler named "The Paralyzer".

Too soon?

Did I just get off track? I'm already Hulk Hogan but will I be Webster's Big Brother? I'm from Trenton, NJ... coloreds are THE minority. They high five AND go "down low" when they are happy. They stand up and walk side to side and laugh with their whole body. They do the same thing in church while yelling love at Jesus. They rap, play basketball and doggonit I love every second of all of it. I know black people... and I am positive they will laugh at my characterization here and white people will be aghast. That's the other thing; black people aren't uptight jackasses, they're relaxed, creative and I can't wait to co-opt their next innovation. So where is my perfect 80's sitcom pilot?

Unfortunately, Orange County still isn't allowing black people to move here. I discovered that my little brother was gonna be way more Carlos Mencia than Dave Chappelle... ugh. I don't know Mexicans, I don't understand them. Really, I live with one, I can't understand a fucking thing she says. She's lighting god candles because a brother is having a baby (shocker!), she's putting EVERYTHING in a tortilla, she works... I just don't get it. I can't hang with one of these kids... I hate soccer. So I'm a racist, I think Mexican kids are boring and provide ZERO comic relief at all. Why become a "Big Brother"? To learn something about someone that is different from me? To get acquainted with a new culture and provide safe alternative to the streets and become a role model? Go back to France, hippy. I want a 12 year old Alfonso Ribeiro to come hang out and dance to Michael Jackson songs with me. Don't act like you don't...
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