Order, order! Court is now in session. We will now hear from the first plaintiff.
Thank you, your honor. Now, you claim that while working on a Royal Caribbean cruise liner in the summer of 2009, Mr. Travolta sexually harassed you?
That is correct.
Would you care to elaborate?
Well, he would often come up to me and rub my neck, unprovoked...
He made lots of very sexual remarks, and would often ask me to massage him.
Alright, alright. Tell me more.
On one occasion, he offered me $12,000 to have sex with him.
Tell me more. Tell me more. Did you get very far?
Objection, your honor! The plaintiff is clearly being lead on!
I’ll allow it! Now, please, tell us more. As much as you feel comfortable with. Like ... did he have a car?
Probably, I don’t see how that’s relevant, though.
Alright, then, tell me more. Tell me more. Like, was it love at first sight?
Not at all. I am not a homosexual, and though I am a fan of most of Mr. Travolta’s movies from the late ‘70s to early ‘80s and a brief rebound in the mid-to-late-‘90s, I do not care for his filmography as of late.
Did you put up a fight?
Yes, I most certainly did. That is why I filed against him and demanded a trial by jury.
Well, your honor, that’s all I need to hear. I got chills, and they are multiplying.
Your honor, this is ridiculous! Summer flings don’t mean a thing.
Yes, but we are talking about summer nights! Moving on, we will now hear from our second plaintiff.
Hello. So you say you were in a six-year relationship with Mr. Travolta, and now you’re suing him for $2 million in damages.
What exactly are those “damages”?
False promises. He told me we’d always be together.
Ah. Summer dreams, ripped at the seams. Why were you lead to believe that would necessarily be true?
He told me that he was the one that he wanted. Also ... we went together. We went together like ... Ramma lamma lamma ka dignity ding da dong. Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yippity boom da boom.
Care to repeat that for the jury?
Chang chang changity chang shoo bop
Dip da dip da dip do wop da dooby do
Boogy boogy boogy boogy shooby sho wap sho wap
Is that English?
I honestly don’t know.
Why are you even here? Do you even care about this trial?
Not really. I just wanted to fit in with Rizzo and Frenchie and the girls. That’s why I got this piercing.
We will know hear from the defendant himself.
*THE DEFENDANT ENTERS. HE MAKES A COMICAL “YO” SOUND AS HE DOES*
Mr. Travolta, anything to say for yourself?
Yeah, teach! Let me just say that I’m disappointed that the climate, much like your attitudes got colder, so that’s where it ends. I also never expected any activity with an Australian exchange student or a Royal Caribbean employee to catch up with me in America! Oh! Now, I’m gonna go blow this Popsicle stand so I can comb my hair in the washroom! Later! “Old Dogs”! “Battlefield Earth”! YO!
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