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Published February 01, 2014 More Info »
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Jeremy Noah
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Published February 01, 2014

The Thinner Glass and Chrome Digital Scale

The one nice comment I can make is on its sleek and sexy design, which serves to remind you that you are neither.  And what the Thinner Glass and Chrome Digital Scale has in form, it completely lacks in function.  Somehow, scale technology has actually regressed from its olden analog counterpart.  What used to be a one-step process (step 1: stand on scale) has been expanded to include a pointless priming procedure, forcing you to “lightly tap” a tiny and potentially mobile spot on the scale in order to actually have it report weight.  What is it doing the rest of the time?  Displaying a clock.  Because haven’t we all in our heart of hearts wished that our bathroom floors had more ways of reporting the time?  Good luck hitting that priming spot on the first try, by the way.  The only conceivable reason I can think of to include a clock on a scale is to rub in how long this once-instantaneous process is taking.  Now you’re fat AND late for work, jackass.

 

Netflix (when it’s not working)

God fucking damnit.  All I wanted was to unwind from this stressful, piece of shit day with a glass of red wine, a warm blanket, and some old episodes of Frasier, but I guess that was JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR, HUH GOD?!?  I knew I shouldn’t have trusted my AppleTV, look at how small it is.  Something that small can’t possibly work right.  But maybe it’s my internet connection?  I’ll just go reset the modem one more time. …. I know I’ve already tried twice, but what else is there to do?  Fuck.  What a shitting waste.  Who the fuck invented the phrase “Third time’s a charm”?  The lying, smug prick.  I’ve never been more capable of murder than I am right now.  Calm down and go read a book, you say?  Go fuck your own asshole, I say back.  I hate everything that’s ever existed.

 

Unwieldy Sandwiches

A well-made sandwich is a great, even beautiful, thing.  What better way to package meats, cheeses, veggies, what-have-you, than between two robust slices of bread?  A good sandwich is capable of taking you to that transcendentally harmonious place, placating and filling the roaring emptiness inside you bite by delicious bite.  But an unwieldy sandwich completely flies in the face of all that well-put-together sandwiches strive to achieve in this humble world.  There is no sound in the world more sickening than the “plop” as a chunk of topping plummets out of the back of your sandwich, like organs falling from a gaping wound.  Your harmonious plane has been compromised.  Sure, you can open the ‘wich back up, stuff that topping back in there, and go on feasting, but you’ll know.  There’s no going back, not really.  Plus, like, now you have mayonnaise on your fingers and stuff.  Also what’s up with sandwiches that are so absurdly piled with food that you have to unhinge your jaw to hope to get it through your face-hole?  Was this sandwich designed for something other than the human mouth?  If so, you failed at pretty much the only point of the medium, and you suck as much as your shitty sandwich.

 

Cancer

And AIDS, I guess.  Might as well throw Lupus in there, too.

 

Your Face

Now, hear me out.  I know you’re probably thinking that I’ve needlessly and pointlessly insulted you, but that is far from my intention.  I am only pointing out that, on the most purely technical level, your face sucks.  A lot.  It sucks air, it sucks milkshake, it sucks…well, we at TheBrabble are not here to guess at what you do in your free time, but we’d have to imagine it involves some sucking.  Yup, I’d go so far as to say that your face is in nearly a constant state of suckity-suck-suck-suck.  But really, the only way this could be construed as an insult were if this was NOT the case, if you lacked some sort of basic lung control and I was mocking your deficiency. And if that’s what’s going on, I sincerely apologize.  But what do you expect? I suck.

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