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August 03, 2008


Good Morning Funny Or Die!

Just a few things...


•I've been waiting in anticipation for this guy to call me. Every time the phone rings I think it might be him.  He went out of town and said he'd call me when he got back. That was Sunday and now it's Tuesday. I know what you're thinking - relax, it's only been two days, but you're wrong. 'Cause this was a Sunday last year near the end of June. It’s been over a year. He's not gonna call. Is he?

•I was at this garage sale awhile ago. There was an ex-boyfriend there for 75 cents. I bought him, brought him home, and quickly realized why he was an ex -boyfriend. Now he's in my garage.

•I used to wait on tables.  Word of advice- be nice to your waiter. 
Before you condescend to your waiter you have to ask yourself, am I willing to drink urine tonight?  When I was a waiter and someone was rude to me I thought, ‘Look, I'm not here to teach you manners, I'm just gonna piss in your drink and then I'll feel much better.’

v. a violent, intimate, emotional beating from a group of people of which you long to belong.
I long to experience a violent hazing from the Los Feliz MOMS club.

•“It’s the least I can do!” he said.
The laziest man on earth came up with that statement!
How can I trust you now? When I know you will only do the least you can do AND you're telling me that like it’s a good thing?
I hate you.

•So, I did a series a few years ago and I get fan mail, and that's great but you know what? I'm not answering any more fucking fan mail! You know why? They don't write back! One letter is all they got time for, apparently. They just want your autographed picture and that's it! They don't take your calls, they don't wanna go for coffee, they will even go so far as to pretend they don't know you, get a restraining order... well fuck you, Steven Pace!!

Okay, gotta go -