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September 15, 2008
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Today, I’d like to discuss a topic so dark so evil that I hesitate to type it: Spurrier. SPURRIER! As a proud alumni of the University of Georgia, I hate Steve Spurrier more than hate can hate. He is Osama Bin Laden, Lord Voldemort, and a screaming baby inside a movie theater rolled into one, and any UGA alum, student or fan will agree. The mere mention of his name in any conversation usually gets the same reply 'I hate that guy.' You could be talking about football, politics, or even a topic as innocent as that cute thing your puppy did the night before; it won’t matter. We hate him. HATE HIM!

 

We hate everything about him: his stupid face; his goddamned visor; the way he coaches;  his record against us while he was coaching the University of Florida… but they hate him now, too, so don’t go thinking this is just a bunch of bitter football fans who got tired of losing if you’re from some place that doesn’t understand how football works in the south. And South Carolina students and alumni, you’re guilty by association. Don’t think we’re overlooking the fact that you hired him just because your team sucks… and always has sucked. Nope. You are guilty of crimes against humanity. If the US were members of the international court, you’d get yours.

 

I think that if a person even wears a visor on the UGA campus, he should be choked unconscious. I don’t care if you’re a student or dawg fan… in fact that makes it worse, you should know better. The chokeout should be done from behind, so that after you wake up you have just enough time to wonder what the fuck happened and why it happened before someone else starts choking you. Your entire day should be composed of being choked unconscious and waking up in strange places confused and sore. It’s tough, but it’s fair, and any true UGA fan would agree.

 

Last week I began preparations for watching the UGA v. South Carolina game at home alone. Why home alone? Re-read the first three paragraphs. I had my KFC since he coaches the Gamecocks, we must feed on the chicken flesh while watching our football team do the same. I instructed my girlfriend that if UGA should somehow lose (as they did last year) I would be inconsolable for a couple of weeks, and that if in the event that it was a particularly heinous defeat that it was her responsibility to go to the morgue and identify my body. I don’t want my parents seeing me like that... not knowing we lost.

 

However, this was not needed. Truth, justice, and the (old) American Way prevailed, and the bulldogs triumphed triumphantly over King Douche and his Douches of the Douche table. And it was a particular gut-wrenching defeat for him, too. He threw many things, and for a while I thought we might once again get tears from him, but it was not to be. I guess he's getting used to defeat. How bittersweet. 

 

 If only ESPN would post a report informing us that Steve Spurrier died tragically after being assaulted by a gang of male pornstars who beat him to death with their erect penises, I can mark this down as a good year.

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