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Published: November 08, 2016
Description: You've heard about this thing called "voting." Here are the facts..

True: Voting is a privilege.
Much like getting your driver’s license or sitting in the emergency exit row on a plane, voting is a privilege. Many people live in countries that do not allow a fair electoral system. Odds are, those very people are working in a labor camp right now and you’re over here reading some bullshit humor piece. Shame on you.

False: Voting is harmless.
There’s a common misconception that voting is a harmless exercise of your democratic right as an American citizen. In fact, a variety of things can go wrong once you’re in the voting booth. From getting impaled by the lever, to getting electrocuted by a computer apparatus, it is strongly encouraged to write a detailed will before heading to the polls.

True: Your vote matters.
Indeed it matters, because then you can post that you voted on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and make all of your friends and family jealous that you actually completed your basic civic duty and are refusing to let your responsibilities pass you by.

False: You will get a Snickers bar or some other candy if you vote.
Many people assume that once they cast their ballot for their candidate of choice, they’ll receive a small gift, like a chocolate bar or lollipop or cookie. In fact, you get nothing in return if you vote besides a little sticker that says “I voted.” Consumption of this sticker is highly discouraged.

True: You can write in anyone.
Even if you don’t like any of the candidates up for election, you have the right to pencil in any name you want at the ballot. Your high school crush? A coworker you trust? A fictional character, such as Frodo or Yoda? All valid choices for write-in candidates.

False: You can vote as many times as you want.
One of the most persistent myths about voting is that you can vote a limitless amount of times for your candidate of choice. In fact, you are only allowed to vote once. So don’t even think about camping out in the ballot box and repeatedly pulling the lever for the same person. It’s simply not allowed.

True: Registering to vote is easy.
Voting is one of the easiest things you’ll ever do. First off, figure out what district you’re in. In order to find this out, you need to obtain the District Information Form, available the first Monday of every other lunar eclipse at your local county courthouse. Once filled out, dip the form in milk and an address will appear. Stick on 30 dollars worth of postage, mail to said address, and congratulations! You just completed Step 1 of 26 on your way to become a registered voter.

False: You will get a tax discount.
No, you will not get a 10 percent discount on next year’s taxes if you vote. That’s just ridiculous. Why would you think this? It is advised that you get your head out of the Internet and check into reality with the rest of us, Mr. Smartypants.

True: Who you vote for is your choice.
No matter what your conservative warhawk boss or liberal hippie aunt pressure you to believe, who you vote for is entirely up to you. Unlike the endless charade of society where citizens are merely led to believe they have free will, your choice for who to vote for is yours and yours alone.

False: The election ends after campaign day.
Do you really think that after years of vitriol on both sides that the election will actually be over once a winner is chosen? Not even close. Get ready for an extended election cycle, the end result probably being multiple do-over elections in the next few months, followed by the inevitable breakdown of the contingent United States. We had a good run.

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