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Published November 05, 2012 More Info »
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Published November 05, 2012

     A Foray Into the Facebook Forest

     You know that point you reach in your life where you just go into the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror. You’re not really sure what you’re looking for but maybe the answer is hidden in your tears. I hit that stage once; lucky for you I decided to write about it. Recently I went on a hiatus, cut technology completely out of my life. Got so completely pissed I quit talking to people, I even committed social suicide... As I studied the growing lines in my forehead and difficulty smiling, I picked up on some various aspects of life; women, love, death, future, past; some real Morgan Freeman shit. Fortunately, today, I just decided to single out and demoralize one specific target, like a conservative in a college classroom. My target is Facebook. (Disclaimer: I don’t have twitter or an instantgram, only Facebook. Also am a very cynical asshole).

Inside Looking Out: It’s All About Angles

     There are two types of people on this earth. One half finds it necessary to document every single move they make, every breath they take, electronically. The other half doesn’t, but still, probably in a dark corner with much panting, still goes on an addiction ridden social media binge and gets their creep on everyday. I would also add a third group. This group, comprised of old people and impoverished third-world natives, are the content people. They have no regard for technology and could find happiness alone under a rock if they had to. Can I sidetrack here a bit? Why are we so concerned with offending old people? My grandparents married so they could literally have two pennies to rub together. They would rub them together to start a fire to heat soup beans before being shoved in a factory, and then on a bus, to go to war to rescue other old people from being shot to death. I doubt two guys holding hands are going to faze them.

     Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Facebook. Facebook, at its core, is a canvas of which to paint yourself as non-shitty as possible. Check out my new ride, my new girl, I lost weight, I care about political issues, puppies, and malnourished children that may or may not even exist, blah blah blah. Your profile is like a house. On the outside it should be pristine and well-manicured. But, on the inside you know it consists of a dad yelling at mom number 3 for being whore-tasctic, while the children overeat. We post to A; show how much we don’t care (that means we do). i.e. “haha livin the single life and lovin it, betches!!!” when translated means, “Dear god, I am enthralled in a state of pure and absolute misery, I hope she is reading this and is somehow drawn back to me because I am all of a sudden awesome and seemed to have never cared, even though never caring is a blatant sign not to get back with me.” Confused yet? Or B; show how much we care (That means we really don’t, but are seeking empathy). i.e. “jus lookin 4 good girl that I kan luv w/ my <3” when translated means, “Hey, you, unsuspecting female, what I lack in grammar and spelling is made up for with my feelings and emotions. I watched The Notebook once, kinda, and have concluded that all women want a heartfelt guy like myself, so please hook up with me, I know you can’t resist.”

     Just look at the duckface. Girls, and especially guys, only post pictures showing off their perceived attractiveness and humble, yet, edgy, lifestyle. The kicker - pictures are like a good sales pitch, its all about the angles. With the right angle my penis is a glorious creature, basking in its visceral status and length… Move it to the left, just a tad, and its just hanging in their, limpidly, in its worriedly state of averageness. Long story short (no pun intended), I should find that rock to crawl under. Also, please friend me on Facebook #myname.

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