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July 08, 2008
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Channel 12 News and Questions of Our Time

 

Jim McPartland

 

 

 

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

 

I’m at the gym this morning, wasting time watching the local news until my racquetball enemies show up.

The ‘bubble headed bleach blonde’, as Don Henley so eloquently referred to in Dirty Laundry, female newscasters says “And now for the results of yesterday’s on-line poll. The question was ‘Would you work from home if you could?’

I’m standing there thinking that’s the most stupid fucking question I’ve heard in recent history.

Then she says ‘In a landslide 92% of our viewers said ‘yes’, 8% ‘no’”

I’m thinking ‘It‘s not only a stupid question, it’s even more stupid to waste your time answering it’.

Channel 12- and most local news- is akin to Reader’s Digest. It’s aimed at people with 6th grade educations who won’t read any newspaper, never mind the NY Times or Wall Street Journal. They spend their time watching Regis; reading The Enquirer; checking out The View; onto One Life to Live; followed by Judge Judy and finally the 5 PM ‘News’. All while chit chatting on the phone about how miserable they are and how much weight they need to lose (while another cherry bonbon gets digested).

Local news works in 30 second snippets, like a commercial, because that’s how long people’s attention span are. They can report the rape- the double homicide- the 5 vehicle crash on the highway- very quickly. Just enough gory details to make you feel ‘my day went OK. I’m not any of those people’. All with that gleam in their eye and phony smile on their face.

So, I wondered why 8% would say they’d rather go somewhere, like a factory, spending gas and sitting in traffic. I figure either they’re very lonely or they can’t stand their spouse so much that being away from them in 12 hour intervals is good for the relationship. My goal is to work in my ‘jamies, shower occasionally (not necessarily first thing in the AM before you need to meet the world), take naps on demand, eat lunch at 10 AM, eternal coffee and cigarette breaks. Oh, and start drinking at noon if the mood strikes.

I’m more interested, though, with these asinine questions, so I came up with one of my own-

Today’s internet poll is-

‘If you could have sex with Alex Rodriguez’s soon-to-be-divorced wife Cindy (without getting in trouble), would you do it?’

My bet is 96% yes.

All guys.

Gay guys AND women because they’d get closer to having sex with Alex. Actually some staright guys may feel that way if it meant getting balls signed and box seats.

Lesbians yes because, well, that’s obvious.

The 4% ’no’s’ would be- Priests in denial, school children under 10, dead people.

 

YOUR CHALLENGE-

What stupid question have you heard or can come up with? Include the response % (explain the results).

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