by Chris Gay
I’m a guy who just can’t figure out women. In most cases we seem to speak the same language literally, but not figuratively. In conversations with various girlfriends I’ve been straightforward and enunciate clearly; and when they talk I take their words at face value, under the presumption that what they’re saying is indeed what they mean. However, my words always seem to be misinterpreted into some odd meaning I never intended, while conversely I’m often chastised for not looking past their actual words to read the signs that supposedly reveal clues to what they really mean. I’m almost ready to join a monastery. Any suggestions?
-Confused in Columbus
My guess is you’re under 25, and as such not quite as experienced in navigating through such verbal gymnastics as you will later become. There is some good news, however. As you get older, you’ll realize that it doesn’t get any easier to figure out. But eventually you’ll take comfort in the understanding that most men of all ages never will, either. So there’s that. At any rate, the next time someone asks you to ignore what they’re saying outwardly and instead read their signs, mention politely that you’re fluent in English, and not trying to date a 3rd base coach. This sentiment most likely won’t be warmly received, but you have to admit it’s a fairly decent comeback.
Alternate Politically Correct Response-
Learn to better explore your inner feelings so that you may better understand hers. Only then will you be able to correctly interpret the signs she so lovingly longs for you to translate. This will permit you both to continue along on your mutual path of respect, as well as allow for the construction of the strong foundation required on which to build a healthy relationship.
I have dated a long string of jerks and I don’t know how to break the cycle. The pattern seems to be that I fall for a guy who’s smoking hot. However once in the relationship, he begins to treat me with immense disrespect. For example, against my requests and better judgment he’ll engage in a diversity of undesirable activities, as well as use various types of derogatory nouns in place of my given name. Also, it soon becomes apparent that his most significant skill is a seemingly ethereal proficiency with Halo 2 on Xbox. Why can’t I change any of these guys into the good men I’d hope they would be?
Do you know why, after 4,500 years, Stonehenge still remains a collection of stones? Because that’s what they are. If you stand by one hoping for it to become a pillow someday, you’ll likely be in for an awfully long wait. On average, the women who relate stories similar to yours indicate that they generally spend two years, give or take, in relationships like these before finally giving up on them. If you’re 40, that’s 5% of your life- per jerk. You’re probably younger than forty, too; which makes it an even higher percentage. I only used forty because it’s an easier number to figure out a percentage on, and frankly I’m awful at math. Anyway, here’s a little secret; guys are very simple to figure out, and once set in their ways they rarely change. If it helps at all to know, men like these are shallower than an empty pool after a light rain. Instead of dating a jerk and trying to change him into the decent man he’ll never be, why not try dating a man who’s decent from the start?
Alternate Politically Correct Response-
Like the Monarch butterfly, all men need to fly free in order
to truly find out who they are. Only after they know themselves
thoroughly can they better work on what others are expecting from them.
With certain men, such as those you’ve described, patience is the key.
While it likely won’t change who they are into what you’d hope they
might become, the silver lining is there’s an outside chance they may
someday win a video game tournament. The downside to that, however, is
if the winnings are large enough, they’ll probably leave you for someone
else. On the other hand you never know; they may be too lazy to look.
To submit your questions for consideration of use in this periodic humor column, please email them to email@example.com.
*I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or professional doctor of any kind. I’m a writer and a humorist with an honorary degree in Common Sense. These columns are for entertainment purposes only, and some submitted questions may have even been written by me. That oughta cover things.
Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist and broadcaster. He’s written two humor books; Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Also, he’s written the upcoming supernatural crime novel Ghost of a Chance. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He has written and voiced color commentary for local sports, and acted a little. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs.