LeBron James is a frustrated basketball star right now. His team is losing and he’s having trouble getting healthy enough to stay on the court. That frustration bubbled up last night when he was called for a questionable offensive foul on the way to a loss to the Phoenix Suns. He went to argue with the ref alongside his coach, David Blatt, and promptly (but gently!) shoves Blatt out of the way, grownups-are-talking-here style.
Unsurprisingly, when LeBron got home from the game last night, his mom was peeved. She could not believe her son would disrespect an authority figure like that, so she made him sit down at the kitchen table a write a letter of apology to his coach.
Dear Coach Blatt,
I’m sorry that I shoved you in the game against the Phoenix Suns yesterday. I am a player and you are the coach and also an adult so I should respect you and I shouldn’t push or talk back or be smart with you.
I also shouldn’t tell the other players to ignore what you just said and what play to actually run after we come out of timeouts and then when you bring it up during the next timeout convince everyone to say that it’s too loud in the arena and you have to speak up and then laugh at you for getting red faced for shouting way too loud. I’m sorry for doing that.
I’m also sorry for doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance behind you while you were giving your post-game press conference. Media availability and our image to the public is very important to this team functioning in a healthy and positive way, and even if all the reporters said it was so funny and that they were impressed with my “Pee-Wee skills,” I shouldn’t have undermined your authority.
And before you find out it was me from someone else, I’m also sorry for leaving a big mess in the locker room and telling the other players to “Let Maid Blatt clean it up. That’s about all he’s good for on this team anyway.” I know you are very busy and don’t have time to pick up my dirty socks and underwear. Even if all I ever see you do in your office is try to clean off where the latest person wrote “Ass Puppet” over “Coach” on the nameplate on your desk. I know you are very instrumental to the success of this team.
I hope that you will accept this apology letter and that you will not be angry at me for shoving you last night and all the other things. I know I was wrong and I am excited to play very hard in the next game and get back to winning! But also I will be absent for the team meeting tomorrow and everyone else will be too because we hold our team meetings at my locker now and you’re not invited.