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January 20, 2010
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BIZZAR TALES #2: MERCURY ARGUS

 
Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha, they are religious leaders, men of high esteem who deserve the genuine respect of all people, those who fallow and believe in their teachings or not. They each individually had such an impact that they changed the world, touching the lives of millions.
         Mark Edward Johnson on the other hand does not deserve the respect of… anyone really. Un like Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha he is a man whose touched very few lives and made very little of an impact on society as a whole. He’s not smart, he’s not good looking or philosophical. Yet he is a “religious leader” of sorts.
          In total he leads a flock of about fifteen people and to them he might as well be Jesus, but in my opinion that’s a hell of a stretch. Why they fallow him? I don’t know that’s a question for Behavioral Psychologist to answer. I do have a guess though, I think they are just plane dumb.
          Mark really didn’t seem like the type of guy that was diabolical enough to start a crazy cult, but one weekend he is binge drinking, the next he’s wearing nothing but clothes made of wool and a jock strap made of tin foil (apparently to protect his junk from celestial radiation… or something). He changed his name to Mercury Argus, the self proclaimed lord of Elatingay (Pig Latin for Gelatin… Whither or not he was aware of it I don’t know) And began handing out fliers at the airport in hopes of expanding his gelatin empire.
          To everyone’s amazement people filed in, and begin to fallow Mark the want to be prophet of Gelatin (personally I believe Bill Cosby to be the only true prophet). They’re unbelievable devotion and allegiance pretty much proved to me that starting a religion just means finding a group of people dumber then you to believe it. The fact that he found fifteen people… both impresses and depresses me.
          Really to understand how stupid these “followers” are I’ll explain the basic belief structure of Mark’s cult.
          The Cosmos was created by a being with an ever expanding hunger that needed to not only destroy life so that he may fill his feedbag, but create life. That’s why he made the universe. Apparently, according to Mark that is, the planets and what not are sort of like free range cattle for Barry… Barry being the famished cosmic being.
          After the “Big Bang”… Bang in Marks world doesn’t reefer to the sound by the way, he only knows it as a impolite way of saying “Intercourse”. Anywho, after the “Big bang”, Barry got a mad hunger on (like most of us get after a “big bang) and created the earth by making a cocktail of some of his favorite foods. But once he was done, he came to the conclusion that it was to pretty looking to eat. So he saved it for another day, that day being the apocalypse.
             In short Mark, told these people that the earth was a pastry created by a super being who on a day of great celebration (Galactic super bowl anyone?) will gobble us up like a Tim Bit.
            That’s what brings me to Marks ritual suicide. I suppose the day of the great devour was near or maybe the first church of Gelatin came to the shocking realization that they were either A: All crazy or B: Stupid beyond excuse and ended their lives because of that. Really no body knows.
            What we do know is that wearing nothing but their Tin foil jock straps all sixteen of them lined up in the kitchen for some lime Jell-o shooters with a twist of rat poison (If the Jell-o thing is I a joke, I also am not sure), and they downed it all.
            When the cops got to the chamber of Akecay (Akecay meaning Cake in pig Latin… Chamber meaning Marks moms house) they found Mark and his followers laid sprawled out across the counters and the chairs. Dead.
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