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November 13, 2017

A Catch 22 that could only happen in 2017!

If you haven’t already dropped your coffee maker out of a two story window, then fire it up! We guarantee that you’re gonna need a big swig of java to make heads or tails of what’s coming next!

Conservatives are posting videos of themselves destroying their Keurig coffee makers on social media in boycott of the company’s decision pull its advertising from Sean Hannity’s Fox News show after the conservative pundit defended Roy Moore against accusations that he made sexual advances towards at least three teenage girls when the Alabama senate candidate was in his thirties.

Here’s how one Hannity fan fought back…

Pretty complicated, huh? Well, things are even more mixed up for Julia Northam, a 31 year-old dental hygienist who hates Sean Hannity, but still wants to smash the fuck out of her Keurig.

“When I first saw the videos of people throwing their Keurig’s off of balconies on Twitter, I got very emotional,” says Julia. “I have all this pent up anger towards that dumb fucking coffee pot and seeing it get its ass bashed in brought it all right to the surface.”

“It was like a breakthrough for me,” Julia continued. “I could just open my window and be done with that ugly-ass thing. I was excited.”

But Julia’s joy quickly quickly transformed into a moral dilemma.

“Then I realized why people were fucking up their Keurigs and I was like ‘fuck.’”

Even though Julia thinks that Sean Hannity is a “shit head with ass for brains” and that Roy Moore should “burn in fucking Hell, bitch,” she still can’t shake the idea of going to town on her own Keurig.

“That stupid little computer and the weak-ass coffee it pisses out have ruined every morning of my fucking life,” says Julia. “But now if someone sees a bunch of Keurig parts lying around in my driveway they’re going to think that I’m a pedophile.”

Damn. Now that’s a Catch 22 that could only happen in 2017.

Here’s someone else living out Julia’s fantasy for all the wrong reasons…

“Honestly, I should have done it a long time ago,” Julia lamented. “But I had so many of those fucking stupid little pods. That’s how they get you. You gotta buy one thousand fucking pods at a time. And those things are such a waste. I swear to God in a few years we’re gonna be hearing all about how the pods are cramming up whales’ blow holes or some shit.”

But for now, Julia is fending off her urge to “bust that fucker open, piss on its slow-ass heating coil, and fill its small-ass water tank with my shit.” She hopes that she’ll have a chance to vent some her frustrations before “all that hot plastic gives her fucking cancer.”

“What Roy Moore did to those girls is repulsive. I don’t want anyone to think I’m supporting that” said Julia. “Keurig coffee isn’t anywhere near that bad. You can’t even compare the two.”

“But Keurig is still, like, really, really bad.”