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January 12, 2017
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The convenience store's inconvenient truth.

With rising sea levels, deadlier and more frequent storms and droughts, and melting polar ice caps, the effects of global warming are having a devastating impact on the Earth. However, no consequence of the planet’s rising temperatures is more severe than the latest: the Slurpee, 7-Eleven’s most delicious and artificial beverage is now endangered.

As everyone is taught in school, Slurpee machines must be kept at a constant 28 degrees Fahrenheit to maintain the sugar-slush integrity. Due to global warming this is now impossible.

Most Slurpees are now being served at 30 degrees Fahrenheit, and while that two degree difference doesn’t seem to be extreme, realize that Slurpee temperatures haven’t been that high in over 600,000 years. To understand how different that time was, that was when humans and neanderthals genetically branched off from one another, and 7-Elevens were only open 12 hours a day.

The inconvenient truth is right in front of our eyes. Most likely, our children’s children will never taste a Mountain Dew Game Fuel Berry Lime Slurpee. Is that even a life worth living? A life without Game Fuel?

Last week, the World Wildlife Foundation added all flavors of the Slurpee to the endangered species list. It joins the likes of the Bengal Tiger, the Red Panda, and the Shamrock Shake. All deliciously refreshing, and all dying off.

However, not all hope is lost.

Preservationists and environmentalists have put together this list of 5 initiatives to help take the Slurpee out of the Grim Reaper’s thirsty hands.

1. Dismantle the Large Hadron Collider’s cryogenic cooling system and divvy it up among all of the world’s 7-Elevens. If the Slurpee’s natural environment is colder, the Slurpee itself will get colder.

2. Consumers must only drink a Slurpee when they really need one or are really stoned. Keeping the Slurpee population up is key to balancing its fragile ecosystem.

3. Stop caring about ALL other endangered species. We must devote all of our attention and care to the Slurpee. The Red Panda is on it’s fucking own until it becomes a Red Cherry Frozen Slush Panda. Then we’ll care.

4. Pray to whatever God you believe in, demanding they save the Slurpee. If your God is a Slurpee, which it should be, ask your friends with lesser Gods to help out.

5. Whatever you do, never drink an ICEE.

Humanity is facing some of the biggest challenges in history, but if we all work together we can do the right thing and protect what is most important, a cold cup of diabetes-inducing sugar sludge.

Save the Slurpee, Save the World.

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