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September 21, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In Afghanistan, a British servicewoman who didn't know she was pregnant gave birth. And it's probably not from rape since she's not in the U.S. military.

Researchers have captured the step-by-step process in which organisms evolve. Except for the step in which organisms decide to believe in no pre-existing step.

In Mitt Romney's "47 percent" video, he is also heard saying that if Hispanics become dedicated to Democrats, "We’re in trouble as a party and, I think, as a nation." But why would anyone shun a political party that politely asked them to deport themselves?

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty stepped down as the national co-chair of Mitt Romney’s campaign to take a job at a lobbying firm. Which is another way of saying he'll still be working on the campaign.

In a small town in Iran, two girls beat up a cleric for telling one girl to cover herself up. Family and friends remember them as being very brave.

The government of North Korea has released a music video parodying the South Korean hit "Gangnam Style." Like just about any disease in North Korea, the government expects it to go viral.

Pakistan declared Friday a holiday so people could participate in demonstrations against the anti-Islamic film, "The Innocence of Muslims." It's like their version of Flag Day but with more burning.

A $2.4 billion payout has been awarded to people scammed by Bernie Madoff. And all they have to do to get it is send $1,000 each to a Nigerian prince.

In Britain, a drunk woman hijacked a passenger ferry then rammed other boats while screaming, “I’m Jack Sparrow” and “I’m a pirate." On the bright side, Michael Bolton was very pleasant upon being arrested.

The United Nations reported that children are being tortured in Syria. They hope this will finally get the United Nations to intervene.

Saying that he was too scared to tell the truth before, Kato Kaelin now says his friend O.J. Simpson was guilty of murder. ...ing his comedy career.

A secretly recorded conversation features Paris Hilton saying that gay men are "disgusting," and "I would be so scared if I was a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS." Interestingly, you can hear Mitt Romney complaining about the 47 percent in the background.

A representative for Paris HIlton has since stated that her comments were taken out of context. But is it possible to distort the words of someone who already sounds like a child waking up from dental surgery?