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October 26, 2015
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The World Health Organization just released a report saying bacon is definitely a cancer-causer. But have they tried it?

Today, the World Health Organization announced that bacon officially increases your risk of cancer. The problem, however, is that bacon is way too delicious for that to be true.

They say the things you love will kill you, sure, I’ve heard the phrase. And I’m not saying things like heroin — which I love — won’t kill me. But we’re talking about bacon, here.

Bacon causes cancer, you say? When your mom or dad (or new lover, if you’re lucky) is frying up a batch in the kitchen, and you can smell that sweet, fatty aroma from your bedroom, and you realize you’re living in a Folger’s commercial that’s about delicious bacon instead of shitty coffee, you’re sayingthat’s a cancer-causing moment? Naw, WHO, that’s a life-celebrating moment.

Or when bacon is super crispy, and it’s got a few curls in it, and it’s a nice chestnut brown with some light notes of auburn, and you take a bite of it and there’s that initial little crunch, and then that insane juicy, salty, melt-in-your-mouth feel as you let the bacon rest on your tongue, holy shit, and then you take a chug of delicious fresh-squeezed orange juice, and do it all over again? There can be no cancer in that experience, my friends, and that’s a human fact.

And yet the World Health Organization even went so far as to compare the amount of carcinogens in bacon to what you would find in cigarettes. But it’s a bacon-bit unfair to compare cigarettes to bacon: Bacon is fried, for one, while cigarettes are smoked; also, you don’t inhale bacon air — you eat it. And what about the fact that it can take a few minutes to smoke a cigarette, but it take me just a few seconds to suck down four slices of bacon?

Also, airplane bathrooms have huge “No Smoking” signs all over the place, but I’ve never seen a “No Bacon” sign. That’s got to mean something important about cancer, right?

If bacon gave you cancer, wouldn’t a lot of people’s last words be, “Oh, I shouldn’t have eaten bacon!” or “Curse bacon!” or “It was the bacon that killed me.” Yet I’ve never heard any of those phrases uttered by dying people, and I spend a lot of free time in hospices.

You know what I have heard a lot of non-dying people say? “Mmmm, bacon.” “Mmmm, bacon is the best.” No one would say, “Mmmm, cancer.” Or how about that dog commercial where the dog is screaming “It’s Bacon!” That dog isn’t screaming, “It’s Cancer!” is it? I think this is a pretty tight argument of logic.

Maybe these scientists are studying boiled bacon? Even the sound of that sounds like it could give you cancer.

The bottom line is bacon is God’s gift to man and God’s punishment to pigs, those unlucky treasure troves full of Flavor’s Golden Doubloon (bacon).

This all reminds me of the time they said the sun would give us cancer. How can that be? The sun gives us plants and tans. It warms up our breakfast nooks and melts away lewd snowmen built in such a way that it looks like they’re fucking. The only time the sun is bad is when you are in the desert.

Actually, now that I think about it, eating bacon in the desert doesn’t sound like much fun, either. You’re going to get mighty thirsty. It’s also probably going to get covered in sand. And sandy bacon? That sounds just gross enough that it’ll kill you one day.

So maybe that’s what these scientists are trying to say — don’t stay in the sun if you’re in the desert, and don’t eat lots of bacon if you’re in the desert.

Now it all makes sense — I guess sometimes you just have to cut through all the science mumbo jumbo to get to the truth.

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