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December 10, 2009

The only time I ever hooked up with a high school girl was when I was a junior in college. Her name was Lizzy and she was an adorable senior at some Masshole high school in some Masshole town.

The date was June 5th, 1998 and I took a road trip with my college roommates, Guthro, Marczak, and Cooch, to a Dave Matthews Band concert at Foxboro Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

I have a love/hate relationship with Dave Matthews Band. You know, like most people I have an appreciation for their music. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a violin in their rock & roll music?

I think the last “band” to employ a violin before that was the Charlie Daniels Band.

But I also hate Dave Matthews because that goddamn music was shoved down my throat all throughout college by both Guthro and Marczak -- who were in some secret competition to see who was the biggest Dave Matthews fan. Currently Marczak holds the record for having the most rare dmb concert cassette tapes and Guthro was able to witness the 1967 Birth of Dave Matthews in Johannesburg, South Africa, via the use of a time machine.

But despite my overexposure to Dave Matthews, I wasn’t gonna pass up an opportunity to see them live in concert in the summer of ’98. And by that point, my friends and I were all of legal drinking age, so we didn’t have to sneak around getting drunk -- unlike the two high school girls who slowly made their way to the front of the crowd where we were standing.

The two girls were Lizzy and her high school friend Kim. They were with a larger group of high school girls, but broke off to venture closer to the stage. Lizzy immediately saddled up next to me and asked if I could buy her a beer at the concession stand since she wasn’t old enough.

I would have felt like I was being used if it weren’t for the fact that Lizzy was also making out with me. And by the way, I’d just like to point out that I did manage to check her ID to confirm that she was at least 18 years-old before any tongues were swapped. Although I had no problem providing alcohol to a minor, I didn’t want to go down as a sexual predator.

Anyway, Lizzy and I really hit it off. She was a great example of a girl, who for whatever reason, was just totally into me. She thought I was cute and adorable -- and to prove it, she invited me inside her 1992 Volkswagon Jetta to continue hooking up after the show was over.

Although the backseat of the Jetta was kinda cramped, I was still able to get Lizzy completely naked in about two minutes -- and I mean completely naked, with her hoo-ha showing and everything. I, of course, was still fully dressed because I was embarrassed of my love handles. Lizzie, on the other hand, didn’t care about my love handles and was already making plans to introduce me to her parents.

I’ve always been somewhat of a one hump chump, which means I go out of my way to take care of the ladies in the oral department because I know how disappointed they’re gonna be when the sex finally comes around. So with that in mind, I took care of Lizzy and satisfied her orally -- and I can confidently say that I provided her with an oral experience that no other high school boy was able to give her before.

After that, she unzipped my pants and exposed the one body part I didn’t mind sharing.

And I was extra excited about this moment. By that point, I had already received several blow jobs in college, but I had never once hooked up with any girls in high school so I was getting a chance to relive a right of passage that I had missed out on.

At that moment Lizzy smiled at me, closed her eyes, and slowly put her head into my lap…

And I swear to god, just as Lizzy was about to wrap her mouth around my little SJ Fatty, we were interrupted by a Middle-aged Black Woman who started banging on the back window of the Jetta.

And she was banging on the widow with the ferocity of a fire fighter. At one point she even pulled out an ax.

Worst of all, she was yelling at us in disgust like we were a couple of stray dogs humping on her front porch. She was yelling stuff like, “Alright, that’s enough! You two cut that out right now! You heard me! That’s disgusting! Cut that out!”

I’m not kidding. She might as well have been hitting us with a broom.

I can only assume the Middle-aged Black Woman was some kind of teacher or social worker. And standing a few feet behind her was a middle aged black gentleman who must have been her husband -- and the look on his face told me that he was as annoyed as I was that his wife was interrupting my blow job. I could tell that the poor man had helplessly stood by on many occasions as his wife proudly crusaded against teen pregnancy, the spread of STDs, or whatever the fuck cause she was fighting.

Anyway, the Middle-aged Black Woman did her job. After banging on the window, Lizzy was too self conscious to continue fooling around -- and sadly, that would be my last chance to ever receive a blow job or have sex with a high school girl.

Lizzy and I made plans to hang out. She wanted to take a road trip to Syracuse, but I never kept in touch. I kissed her goodbye, walked around the massive parking lot for forty-five minutes until I finally found where my friends were parked, and we returned home.

I think the saddest thing in all of this is, I can’t listen to Dave Matthews Band anymore for fear of a Middle-aged Black Woman attacking me.