Full Credits

Stats & Data

November 14, 2014

Waffle Taco.


HIGGINS- Well, our quarterly earnings are higher than they’ve ever been. McDonalds is still the greatest fast food chain on earth.

SMITH- And always will be.

Ronald McDonald walks in the room.

RONALD MCDONALD- Guys, we have a problem.

HIGGINS- What’s wrong? You get arrested again?

RONALD MCDONALD- Uh, no, McRehab remember? Listen, I fear the end not only for McDonalds, but the world.

Ronald Mcdonald holds a Waffle Taco in front of the three executives.

LEVY-The Prophecy is true.

RONALD MCDONALD- Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco. Eggs, Sausage, optional syrup all in a waffle. This is the end.

SMITH- My God.

LEVY-I’ve heard it since I was a junior executive. But…I thought it was just legend. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST LORE!

Levy cries into Smith’s arms.

HIGGINS- Come on. This is just another lame attempt from a rival fast food chain. We beat the Double Down, we’ll beat the Waffle Taco.

Ronald McDonald takes out a large book out of his pocket with a worn cover and blows off dust.

LEVY- The book of McLeviticus.

RONALD MCDONALD- The number 7 prophecy: And on the day when pig, egg, and breakfast treat, most likely a waffle, join forces, this will mark the end of days for all. Except Taco Bell.

HIGGINS- You’re saying Taco Bell invented the Waffle Taco to destroy the world?

RONALD MCDONALD- No, they created it so that people would experience so much ecstasy from eating it that they would kill themselves.

RONALD MCDONALD- Which, yes, would then destroy the world.

RONALD MCDONALD- Because of all the deaths.

RONALD MCDONALD- From the suicides.

HIGGINS- Yes, I get it. This is preposterous. It’s a breakfast meal.

HIGGINS- Let’s not get crazy just because we have some competition.

LEVY- I’m sorry sir but I need to leave.I can’t be in the same room as that taco.

LEVY- I’m getting as far away from it as possible to a place that would never sell something like this: Sweden.

Levy runs out.

HIGGINS- Absolute nonsense. Smith you can’t honestly tell me you believe this?

SMITH- I’m sorry, sir.

HIGGINS- You’re leaving too!?

SMITH- No, but I knew this day would come. And that I would have to sacrifice myself. To show you the prophecy is true I will eat that taco. I love you ,sir.

Smith grabs the taco and takes a bite.


SMITH- So gooood. It makes me…

Smith takes out a sword and shoves it through his stomach.

SMITH- I love you Boss.

Smith collapses on the ground.

RONALD MCDONALD- Look out the window.

He brings Higgins to the window

A chaotic street full of people running around with Waffle Tacos. People are on fire, throwing mustard gas, others are sitting enjoying the taco as ambulances run over people and police desperately try to stop it.

HIGGINS- How do we stop this?

RONALD MCDONALD- We don’t. All we can do is wait.

HIGGINS- But there has to be a way!

RONALD MCDONALD- Okay, there might be a way. But I need…

HIGGINS- Anything!



RONALD MCDONALD- Alright, end of the world it is.

Ronald prepares to eat a waffle taco.

HIGGINS- Ok, fine. Here.

Higgins hand him $5.

RONALD MCDONALD- And a new outfit. The onesie makes me look like an idiot.

HIGGINS- You got it!

Ronald McDonald dials his phone.

RONALD MCDONALD- Yes, Taco Bell. Hi it’s Ronny. Call it off. Discontinue the Waffle Taco. I got what I needed. Yup. Thanks.

HIGGINS- You traitor.

RONALD MCDONALD- Traitor with a new suit and $5.