ROBERT, La -- Facing increasingly tough criticism for not successfully containing the Gulf Coast oil spill, BP will soon take a new, decidedly unorthodox approach.
The idea apparently came straight from the top -- BP's CEO Tony Hayward. "I was driving to the office the other morning, and with all of this pressure from The White House and random ecological groups I've never even heard of, I just needed to blow off a little steam," said Hayward, placing his feet upon his desk in a victorious pose. "I turned on the tunes and cranked the volume way up, and my favorite song, Journey's 'Wheel in the Sky', came on. That's when it hit me."
Upon arriving at BP's corporate office, Hayward rushed into the boardroom to tell everyone his plan -- BP would harness the power of the wheel in the sky to siphon the oil from the leaking well to holding tanks positioned at the ocean's surface.
"It keeps on turning," Hayward continued, displaying his passion for the hit song. "That's the kind of tool we need on our side. Our staff and all of the volunteers are doing a great job, but they also need to rest at times. If we can have that thing running 24 hours a day, this mess will be cleaned up lickety-slick." After his slight slip of the tongue, he quickly added, "What's the worst that could happen? It's not like it's going to overheat and blow up. Could we strike that last comment from the record?"
BP's scientists are finding it difficult to accommodate the request. "I'm fairly sure he means it to be a variation of the 'Holding Ships' idea we previously tried. I'm also fairly sure that none of this is possible," one high-ranking team member -- who wished to remain unidentified -- commented. "It's just a song. Said wheel doesn't really exist, and even if it did, how are we supposed to hook anything to it? I quit."
Unsure of any legal ramifications, BP's legal team has started the investigative process, looking into any possible copyright infringements. "Did you know that Steve Perry didn't write that song," asked a surprise Jack Lynch Jr., BP's general counsel. "The bassist's wife originally penned it as a poem, and then [original Journey singer] Robert Fleischman re-wrote the lyrics. You learn something every day." Calls to Dianne Valory and Robert Fleischman were returned with a response of "Fuck off" from both parties, leading Mr. Lynch to believe they had "lawyered up" with the same representative.
Preparations are already under way to deal with the expected public backlash toward the new plan. "What else do we have to lose," asked BP spokesman Neil Chapman. "No, seriously. That was not a rhetorical question. I -- well, we, actually -- have absolutely no fucking idea what to do. We've discussed stuffing the pipe with old tires and basketballs, for Christ's sake. I'm pretty sure we've run out of sane options."
Comparing the on-going situation to an adult film, Chapman insinuated that the only other option may be to do nothing and simply let nature take its course. "Have you ever seen a squirting scene? Once it starts, there's nothing you can really do to stop it. You just stand back and watch it go down, and hope not to get sprayed in the face. Trust me, I love nature as much as the next guy; but, if a couple of animals end up covered in oil, is it that bad? They could grow up to be President, am I right?" When asked to expand upon his statement, Chapman concluded, "Perhaps I've said too much."
When asked for more information, CEO Hayward could not -- or would not -- provide any more details; answering all questions with "I don't know, I don't know, I don't knooowww-ooowww!" As for if an update could be expected by news time tomorrow, his response: "I don't know where I'll be tomorrow", followed with an enthusiastic air guitar riff.