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Published February 13, 2009 More Info ยป
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Published February 13, 2009
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and

Are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm

while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



____________________________________________________________________







ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?



_____________________________________







ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



____________________________________







ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.



________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?







______________________________________







ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.



_____________________________________







ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

Dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you

like to rephrase that?



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

WITNESS: Oral.



______________________________________







ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!



____________________________________________







ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?



______________________________________







And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

A pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

You began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

Practicing law.
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