Here’s to… Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is here.  And so commences the corporately-sponsored one day for legalized prostitution across the country.  As you digest that concept, we’ll tell you the wonderful story of how it came to be.

A few years back the men at Hallmark had a vision, a glorious vision. This vision was that on one day every year, men across the country could shower women with presents and expect nothing but sex in return.

With a lot of unethical morals…. and a little work, they were able to turn their vision into a reality. Now men everywhere, of any social or relationship status, however attractive or repulsive, can finally expect to get laid on Valentine’s Day only for the price, and humilty, of giving a few gifts. 

• Chocolates in a heart-shaped box, score. 
• Roses at your girl’s desk at work, score. 
• Lingerie laid out on the bed at home, double score (unless there’s no girl living with you, or coming over tonight, then we’re really not sure where you’re going with this one). 

So because of this accomplishment, the men of America salute you, Hallmark. You’ve shown us that dreams can come true.  You’ve shown us that you don’t need to sit down and understand the complexities of the girl you’re dating, what truly makes her tick.  You don’t need to listen to the girl who works down the hall from you tell you what her favorite Johnny Depp movie is, and why.

You just need to buy your girl(s) a cute little teddy bear with a mini box of chocolates and a charming little note that says something like “Seeing your smile is what I look forward to every day”, leave it somewhere where she’ll be surprised to find it, and stand somewhere nearby where she can’t quite notice you, until she looks up after having her wonderful moment, a little flush in her cheeks now, her eyes waltz up and somehow knowlingly just meet yours, and you share that perfectly romantic smile, together, the one which makes her just know, “I love him”. 

We know, we know, it’s not even fair.  You’re getting laid tonight.

But you know what, as we wrote that little romantic scene (with tears welling up in our own eyes), we realized that’s what we want too damn it!  We want to be that guy, and share that moment, but truly feel it for a change.  We want that romance. 

Damn you Hallmark! Damn you!  You win, okay?  Are you happy now?