A recent shard of papyrus dating back to the second century A.D. has the ancient language Coptic written on it - a dialect shared among Christian Egyptians. Historians have only been able to translate the words, "Jesus said to them, my wife," from the document, which marks the earliest date Jesus has been cited as being married.
But, here, before your very eyes, is the full and comprehensive translation of that tiny and ancient document.
Do enjoy and spread the word, disciples. For it is written:
"Jesus said to them, 'My wife, Mary, she is not a fan of the gas which I spread throughout our living quarters through violent dispatches from my anus. This gas is at its most potent after we commit sin and violate celibacy and our tie with God. I must believe that this is because the gas itself is the Devil, seeking to leave the body with which it just inhabited, the force which urges man to ravish woman and commit sin. It is only when the Devil is satisfied with his work does he attempt to leave the man's body throug his anus. Flatulence is, therefore, the mark of the sinner. Much like sodomy, but the opposite. This sin is punishable by-- What's that? Oh. Oh, OK. This flatulence is, actually, the Lord Himself punishing us and those around through this foul gas, although it is quite comforting to its owner. Therefore, flatulence is the mark of the sinner and is punishable through finger pointing, laughing at, other forms or ridicule and general disassocation. So it is written.'"
Jesus hated farting.