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November 16, 2011

This is the start of a series of how being American rules and some key steps on how to become American.

What is being an American? Is it being born in America? No. Illegal immigrants crossing over the border to pop out kids on our soil to call their babies American citizens does not count, that is cheating. Is it practicing the freedoms one was born with? No. Hippies band together to practice something called “protest”, saying they are exercising their freedom of speech. Bull shit! They are just bitching about America and talking about how much they hate it. Hey hippy, move to china and do that! They will run over you with tanks. Is being an American reciting the pledge every morning when one wakes up? I do that. I had my grandma put a little American flag on the wall of my room. Truthfully, being an American does not just consist of having one or two traits. There are plenty of things one can do to ensure the fantastic feeling of freedom every morning when they wake up. But to ensure the true status of “American”, one must follow only a few guidelines.

            The first thing; claim citizenship. Like I said earlier, if someone is an illegal they cannot just cross the border and give birth to say, in whatever language they are native to, “I crossed the border before he came out. You saw it. Now, where do I get my baby’s standard issued American flag and book of American privileges that will make him better than everyone else in the world?” If someone is an immigrant and wants to come to America, I am all for it. That is why this country is tits. Just take the time to go through the proper steps. I think they have to take a test or something. The Star Spangled Banner is not hard to learn. To be honest, I do not know the procedures that are taken to claim citizenship. It might be a lot harder than that. If it is, it is so worth it. In case there is a person from another country reading this, which I seriously doubt, and they are considering trying to sneak over here illegally, you better watch out. I have watched that border patrol show on A&E, and those guys are ruthless. And if you are coming, please take the time to learn English. I have only taken Spanish One and Two, and that was back in high school. I am a little rusty. As far as people from different countries, like Germany or something, I will not understand a word you are saying. So make it easier for me and you, and at least learn how to say “support our troops”. If I met an immigrant and that was the first thing they said, I would see to it, personally, that they get their standard flag and book of privileges.

            Once citizenship is achieved, please relish in the goodness of America. For those of you that have your flags and privilege books already, it is a good life. It is true, it is a good life. The economy is down, so what. We still have it better than anyone. My dad makes money and all he does is watch ESPN and HBO all day. He put money in the stock market and made some. I do not know how much, John can be slightly sketchy, but I can tell whenever John makes a few extra bucks because he will give me money out of nowhere. This is a country where a man can lose a Job, go to Bread Co., get a $5 smoothie, surf the internet, and still get money. It is called unemployment. People get money for getting fired. I am sure if someone from another country (one less fortunate than ours, like all of them) lost their job, there is no way in heck would they be going to Bread Co. to check their Facebook statuses. They probably would not even have a Bread Co. to go to, or Facebook to check, or even an internet to surf. That is how awesome America is. Even the jobless have these perks.

            These are just a few things about the awesomeness of Americanism.  Being an American truly is great, and there is so much more. These were just a few things. I could write a book. Expect to hear more from me about being an American. I’m practicing my Americanism right now. I am sitting in a Starbucks, using internet, and sipping on a Chia Tea Latte. I do not even know what that is, but it is here, because America has everything, and then some. It is true; there is another Starbucks across the street. I bet India does not have a Starbucks, but we do. The only reason I came here was because the internet at my chosen St. Louis Bread Co. location was out. So, do not judge. I will probably never come back here again. Everyone here seems slightly snooty, even the workers. I miss pronounced Chia Tea Latte and they looked at me like I had a dead squirrel on my head. I do not even know if that is how Chia Tea Latte is even spelled.