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July 22, 2017

There's a lot more to celebrate in August than you thought.

The month of August is here can you believe it how summer is rushing by and fall will be here soon?

So it’s fitting we celebrate a month named after an Italian guy (Roman Emperor Augustus) whose claim to fame is he disliked freedom of speech like many of today’s politicians and let others fight wars (he was a draft dodger), and who was poisoned by his wife who fed him rancid mushrooms so a sexual pervert (Tiberius) could take office.

None of the major holidays we celebrate like July 4 and Christmas happen in August, but there are plenty of holidays you’ve never heard of including some that make you doubt the sanity of those who thought them up.

First of all August is “Admit you’re Happy Month.” I bet you didn’t know this. Are you a cynical person, the type who would say you need to attend a self-esteem class, but who don’t feel worthy enough to attend? Do you feel that if you worked real hard and with luck, you might rise to the level of zero? Do you feel that life is utterly pointless, that if your chair at the family Thanksgiving table were empty air instead—it would make no difference, do you often say, this (bad thing) wouldn’t happen to anyone but me? Or if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all?

MemoryTag has a card to celebrate that, “I Suck” https://memorytag.cards/collections/sorry.

AUGUST IS YOUR MONTH! At least you can be happy about it.Celebrate someone’s dismal failure in life, for as they say, “It isn’t a pretty job, but someone has to do it,” or similar logic, “How boring a world it would be if we were all handsome, rich and successful.” And besides, no matter how big a winner you think you are now, you’re going to die just like me and rot with maggots crawling up your nose just like me too.

Be happy! Buy a MemoryTag card that says, “I Bet you’re as Happy as a Pig in Sh’t.” https://memorytag.cards/collections/congratulations.

National Girlfriends Day is August 1, and you notice it’s plural with an S, so you have to have more than one girlfriend to celebrate this, and August 2 is National Ice Cream Sandwich Day, and ice cream sandwiches although delicious will make you fat. This will remove one girl friend if she doesn’t like your lard-ass.

However, maybe she’s into obesity and we could design a new holiday called, “Loving Rolls of Disgusting Adipose-Fat Day (this is just a suggestion).”

Here’s a possible card for that, “I only like you when you Bring me Food” https://memorytag.cards/collections/daily-douche.

August 5 is “National Underwear Day,” and to celebrate you should go to work to your office wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants (or skirt). If your company objects, sue them for denying you your rights to observe the holiday of your choice, pocket the lawsuit money, move to Costa Rica and live happily ever after. Dirty underwear with excretion stains is allowed in those countries where washing machines are rare. A MemoryTag card that reads, “Sh’t just got real,” is appropriate. https://memorytag.cards/collections/best-sellers

“President Joke Day” is on August 11, made more relevant if you think the president is a joke.

World Mosquito Day is held each August 20 to celebrate those pesky little blood-sucking insects that spread disease and petulance and appeals to cruel Darwinist people who value plagues for decreasing the world’s surplus population. Future holidays for mean vicious people to celebrate including “National I Love Venereal Disease,” and “National Forest Fires are Good it Serves You Right for Being Rich Enough to Build Your House in the Woods Anyway Day,” are being planned as holidays for next year.

August 28 is “National Race Your Mouse Day,” but it’s a mistake, a typo by the jerk who thought it up, and it was originally supposed to be, “National Race Your Mouth Day,” where you celebrate by jabbering to yourself nonstop confirming what your neighbors already think about you—that you’re playing without a full deck. Besides it’s not as hard to catch a mouse as it is to find someone who also belongs in a mental asylum who has one to race.

August 30 is “National Frankenstein Day,” and there is talk of combining the day like they did with Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays into President’s Day, making it instead, “National Monsters You’re Supposed to be Afraid of Day but Frankenstein is so Slow I could Run Away from Him and Dracula Talks about Sucking, and I can’t be Afraid of Anyone Who Wants to Suck Me Day.”

MemoryTag had a card appropriate for all these celebrations.https://memorytag.cards/