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February 28, 2012

The ultimate guide for the "Game of Thrones" lover in you! Or just you, another time when you're not busy. Get caught up for Season 2!



“A Game of Thrones” is a popular series on HBO (pronounced Aitch Bee Yo), based on the first book of George R.R. Martin’s fantasy series “A Song of Fire and Ice”. I think “A Song of Fire and Ice” would be a great title for a track featuring Vanilla Ice and Fire of Earth, Wind and Fire. Maybe all three of them , I don’t know. I’ve never seen one without the two others, and I’m guessing they would all probably be free to collaborate, so why not. Sure. Let’s invite Earth and Wind as well. The song would probably go something like this:

"All right stop, collaborate and listen, 

Ice is back with his brand new invention, 

Ba de ya, say do you remember, 

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. 

Turn off the lights and I'll glow. 

Ba de ya, dancing in September."


Yes, did you know in the song “September” E,W & F are saying “Ba de ya”? I always thought they were saying “On and on”. It took me forever to find the song on Youtube because I was looking up the wrong thing! In mad desperation to find the song, I started posting in other song’s comments sections, alas, I hardly ever yielded a response other than people calling me the F word. Youtube and the internet at large has a rather large bigot community. That’s why I’m kind of nervous to upload my videos of me lip synching Cyndi Lauper songs. I’m sure Cyndi herself would like them but they probably wouldn’t go over so well with the bigot community. I already had the idea for this Vanilla Ice / Fire mash-up thought up so I posted on the “Ice Ice Baby” video’s section first and I was surprised how insulting and mean Vanilla Ice fans can be. They are pretty full of themselves for a group of people that worship a mediocre white “rapper” that stole from Bowie. But I digress.

Just had another idea for a song that could be about fire and ice. It’s Ice Cube rapping his famous song “F  The Police”, looped over video footage of Donald Trump telling people on “Celebrity Apprentice” that they’re fired. This video would probably go viral as there is something for everyone.

Other things that “A Song of Fire and Ice” sounds like: a new exciting type of KY Jelly, a limited edition brand of experimental gum. But back to the real reason we’re here.                                                                                                              

I own the first book, “A Game of Thrones”. It is currently sitting on top of a booklet of coupons from KFC, 24 different coupons for meals of different types and many quantities of chicken. They expire pretty soon, in four days, so I’m in a bit of a jam ... It clearly says “one coupon per customer” on them.

I suppose I could make six separate trips per day, but if the same person is working the cash register, which I suppose they probably would be for at least two of those trips, it would come off as suspicious or obnoxious, regardless of how many different fake mustaches I wear. Maybe I could just recruit 23 friends to help me put all these coupons to good use and make separate transactions. I’d feel bad about having me and 23 of my closest friends storm a KFC, taking so much of their chicken in one swift hit, but I just realized these coupons aren’t offering me anything for free, just slightly discounted prices on stuff. I’m still going to have to pay about $700 for this to go down. If you’re interested in being recruited for this send me your fax number and I’ll fax you one of the coupons. If you can’t come on the day that works best for the majority of people feel free to use the coupon on your own time at your own discretion, it’s the least I can do. However in that case, I’m not paying for it, and please note that these coupons are for “participating stores only”. Although, if anyone gives you heck, stick to your guns. After all, you’re still giving them money, they have no right to be rude to you.

Yes. “Game of Thrones”. In the series “Game of Thrones” there is a short man who plays a dwarf. That’s not an offensive term, his character is literally a dwarf. One time there was a short person on the subway. My friend told me that I should give up my seat for them. I argued that doesn’t make any sense, the short person has a lower center of gravity and in the event of a collision they’d be much less likely to topple over. Really, I was doing them a favor by LETTING them stand. Plus, I didn’t really want to have to hang onto one of those germ-infested poles, and I like a free hand when I’m travelling to do Sudokus. I said this all pretty loud so thankfully our stop was next so it wasn’t awkward.

I appreciate your extremely nerdy feedback on this tell-all guide. What brought you here? Come to think of it, why ARE you here? Did your friend recommend you watch the next season of the show so you decided to read this to get caught up? Why didn’t you just ask your friend to explain the show to you in terms you might understand while you had the chance? Or just watch the show? Or you might already be a big fan of “Game of Thrones”, in which case you just read this to see if I made any mistakes regarding your favorite show. That was really rude and presumptive of you. Consider yourself crossed of my list of Top 23 Friends I Might Be Giving A KFC Coupon to.

If there is a problem, yo, I’ll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. This guide is exactly one thousand words. Word to your mother.