Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” Is Inescapable During The Holiday Season

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year, as long as you don’t mind hearing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” everywhere you go. Whether you’re in a gas station, or a supermarket, or a medical marijuana dispensary that also sell groceries and gasoline, you can’t escape Mariah’s Christmas anthem. But how did we get to this point? “All I Want For Christmas Is You” erupted in 1994 when the only means for mass music distribution were the radio and TV, both federally controlled by the FCC. We have been inundated with the track ever since on government regulated airwaves, conditioned to believe it can’t be the holidays without Mariah. We are now complicit pawns in its annual distribution, blasting it from our Hyundai speakers without thinking twice.

The Government Has A History Of Using Repetitive Music To Break Human Beings

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File this away under less than shocking, but the government has a rich history of using music as a weapon. Sound torture is not a new thing or unique to the US government; it dates back as far as the ancient Aztecs as a tool of war. But Uncle Sam found that songs with repetitive lyrical content (Barney’s “I Love You”) and intense decibel ranges (Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”) are effective ways to turn a human brain into impressionable eggnog. Think about that the next time you walk down the street and hear Mariah hit those high notes while repeating the same lyrics over and over and over and over again.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” Is A Trap To Get You To Buy As Many Gifts As You Can To Support The Capitalist System That Sustains America

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The entire premise of this song, as is repeated roughly 600 times, is that Mariah doesn’t want gifts this Christmas. All she wants is to spend time with her romantic partner. Anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship knows this is a trap. If your significant other says they don’t want anything for Christmas, they DEFINITELY STILL WANT SOMETHING FOR CHRISTMAS. The full song title should be “All I Want For Christmas Is You To Still Buy Me Some Shit Or Else I Am Dumping Your Sorry Ass.” Hearing this song throughout the holiday season triggers a primal “fight or flight or max out my credit card” instinct that subconsciously scares you into buying more gifts than you would have otherwise to guarantee your mate doesn’t leave you. All of this fuels the seasonal business that accounts for 19.2% of all retail sales in America and 768,000 Christmas related jobs. And you have Mariah to thank for this yearly economic boom you can set your watch to.

But What If The Love Of Your Life REALLY Doesn’t Want Anything For Christmas?

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This is still a trap. At the very least, you better show up on Christmas morning with a handmade book of love coupons for things like back massages or ending a fight without bringing up that thing that’s been bothering you that you’ve been waiting to bring up for months. These coupons often have little to no cash value, but will still cause you to spend money on arts & crafts supplies along with valuable time you could’ve otherwise spent plotting to overthrow the government. My friend has a wife who regularly demands nothing for Christmas and he’s found a brilliant workaround to respect her wishes while avoiding the passive aggressive tensions that arise if she feels neglected. Every year on Christmas he tells her about a nice night out he’s planned for them, thereby spending money on an intangible gift she can’t unwrap and subsequently accuse him of disobeying her yule time orders. Attempting to circumvent all of this and just get a card this Christmas? Congratulations! You bought one of the 1.9 BILLION Christmas cards purchased in the US every year according to a 2005 US Census. All those cards are taxed and those taxes add up. There’s nothing you can do to escape Mariah’s subtle siren song of spending, we lost this war over two decades ago.

Mariah Promotes Stable Monogamous Relationships That Are Integral To Maintaining The US Government And Economy

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Mariah is very clear in the song that she wants her romantic partner to be hers and only hers, presumably forever. She’s not interested in anything casual or one of those functional polyamorous arrangements people on Reddit lie about having. She wants a monogamous commitment, the kind that directly benefits the US government. From a practical standpoint, marriages lower the risk of mass sedition. Have you ever tried to pick a place to eat with your spouse? Imagine trying to agree on a revolutionary cause. That project is never getting off the ground. From a fiscal perspective, the business of getting married was estimated to be worth over $53B a year in 2014. But because your simple ass thought you found your soulmate when you locked eyes in the sweater department of Macy’s while a Mariah Carey song was playing, you’re probably going to wind up divorced because you two don’t have shit in common besides Macy’s, Mariah Carey, and sweaters. The annual business of divorce generates a whopping $175B. And around and around we are all doomed to go. Thanks, Mariah.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” Uses A Combination Of Overt And Subliminal Tactics To Advocate Procreation

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But it’s not enough to settle for the person you’re dating when you’re 30 and get married. In order to be a good cog in society, you need to have a child. That’s right, Mariah’s song wants you to make another mouth to feed, which means working hard to spend more money until you die and, more importantly, providing the United States with another soldier in the very likely event we have to battle robots in the not too distant future. Mariah uses the word “baby” an average of once every 21 seconds in the song. If you don’t want to have unprotected sex with the intention of conceiving a child, or at least consider adoption, by the end there’s something wrong with you. She also talks a lot about holding hands and kissing, two things I’m told can lead to sex. And while I’ve never had sex, I’ve read sex usually leads to having a baby. Guess what? You’ll have to buy that kid many gifts for many Christmases to come, further bolstering the bottom line for the national economy.

By The Time New Years Rolls Around, All We Want To Do Is Buy Stuff And Fuck And Get Married And Have Babies For Another 10 Months Until The Cycle Starts Again

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Happy New Year! Mariah Carey’s message has been sufficiently drummed into our skulls once more and we are mindless robots ready to perpetuate the patriarchal government and seasonal retail economy for another 10 months until the dance begins again. Before we know it, November rears its autumnal head and it’s all Mariah all the time everywhere you go whether you like it or not. Then we cart her out on national TV to sing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in increasingly grand ceremonies that the Romans might see and say, “This feels a bit much.” So this holiday season, if you want to buy your loved one something nice, or get married and have a dumb kid, do it because it’s something YOU want to do. Not because of Mariah Carey’s ambient brainwashing in the checkout line at Best Buy. And if I disappear tomorrow, never to be heard from again, it’s because I was right about all of this and the government silenced me. But I’d rather die on my feet than live sitting on Santa’s lap. All I want for Christmas is the truth.

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