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May 04, 2017

Vacation planning made easy for the FOX News personality.

We at FOX offer several luxurious packages.

Our most popular is the “Fair” package. This mountaintop retreat features a lovely cabin situated far from the prying eyes of people who care about sexual harassment. All rooms are beautifully appointed with cozy furniture, tasteful patriotic decor and mirrors so you can bask in the glory of your own self-image. Bring your wife and family if they’ve opted to stay by your side through the turmoil you’ve caused them, or simply come alone like the independent, lone-wolf, powerful cult-of-personality you are.

If a mountaintop retreat isn’t your style, maybe you’d prefer the “Balanced” package, a beachfront getaway where all the women are blonde and submissive and the TV only plays reruns of your show. So there’s no one to question your inappropriate behavior toward women! Plus a buffet of American cuisine that ensures you stay at your signature doughy weight.

If these trips aren’t for you, check out the “Fair and Balanced” package. This is just a staycation at your home or apartment. Remember, the trip itself isn’t as important as the impression that it gives- that Fox network has at least a middling interest in reducing a culture of misogyny that is pervasive at its network. Through free vacations!

With our spa-like Fair and Balanced staycation, we’ll outfit your home or apartment with luxe room-darkening shades for all windows- so you can shut out the judgmental faces of your neighbors who don’t find it hilarious when you imply women are performing oral sex simply because they’re holding a microphone. We’ll load up your bathroom with spa-like amenities and falafel-things. Enjoy in-home entertainment packages featuring all the latest Stacey Dash movies, the New England Patriots Off-Season Live-Feed, and much more. Nothing but the best.

When planning your vacation, choose from two-, four-, and “rest of your career-” week length packages. However, if you find you really miss your work life, we can arrange to send you a young woman for you to cajole into sex or just yell at. Remember, she’s on our dime so there’s an uneven power dynamic… your biggest turn-on!

Packages vary in price from the modest to the opulent, depending on how cushy your severance package is, and if your pending lawsuits do any damage to your personal finances. But let’s be honest, choose opulent! FOX is paying you an enormous amount of money to do a podcast for the next two years! You’ll be fine. Plus you can always get a book deal, a speaking engagement at CPAC, or if all else fails, you could become a standup comic or a Hollywood director, jobs where a past history of sexual assault only seem to add to your cred!

So pick your favorite package and enjoy your FOXcation! While you’re away, you can rest easy knowing your primetime slot will be filled by Tucker Carlson, a human bookmark who could never overtake you in popularity because he’s never been loved. But who are we kidding? If you can rest easy after contributing to rape culture, there’s probably nothing that could keep you up at night!

Enjoy your time off!