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February 22, 2016

A day after signing a bill to defund Planned Parenthood in the state of Ohio, John Kasich announces his plan to reallocate state funding to his new Holy Water STD Treatment Clinic.

On Sunday, Ohio governor John Kasich signed a bill to defund Planned Parenthood in his state. Cutting funding to the organization known for their numerous helpful programs, including prenatal healthcare, STD and HIV testing, and domestic violence prevention, will leave many without the important care they need.

However, today John Kasich announced plans for his new organization, Holy Water STD Treatment Clinic. The plan is to set up several shops across the state, providing easy access for women to get necessary treatment. The organization will hire the most certified professionals to administer the treatments.

Those interested can become certified through a quick online exam, very similar to those who have become certified to marry two heterosexual consenting adults in the eyes of the Lord.

The online exam contains questions from where to find water, sources such as sinks, water fountains, baths, and toilets to questions about medieval women’s rights. “Expect the exam to take 15 to 20 minutes,” said a spokesman for the governor.

Treatments will consist of moistening a towel in holy water, applying to affected area, and finally blessing the vagina.

Not sure when the organization will launch, but it’s our understanding that Tim Tebow will be treating the first group of patients. “Please also note that LGBT patients will be banned from treatments,” informed John Kasich’s spokesman.