Dear Uncle Jim,
I’m writing this letter to avoid another shouting match. I want to say I finally realize why you support Trump and it’s OK. I know we haven’t talked since you called me “a liberal dink sucking at the fake media teat” and I said you were “lost inside the Great Asshole at the center of the universe” but I’m willing to let that go if you are. You taught me how to throw a curveball and drive a stick shift but I am seriously wondering if we’re ever going to talk again. I know I have to own my part in it. I just couldn’t get over how you could like Trump. But I understand now. See below! Forget the part about the shock therapy. As long as we know what it is, we can deal with it.
I am now sorry for all the times I overreacted, but try to see it from my side: A guy who says, “Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich,” is not our kind of people. It can’t be that my Uncle Jim thinks this spoiled brat is a good person or good for our country. You, someone who’s never told a lie in his life, sticking up for a guy who told 2,000 in one year. You are shy about shaking a woman’s hand but he likes to “grab ‘em by their pussy”. You’d never cheat on Aunt Jan with a porn star…well, at least you wouldn’t pay her $130k to keep quiet.
I knew something was strange when you first defended Trump over being buddy-buddy with Putin. Even after he fired Comey and bragged about it to a Russian spy at the White House, you said, “Russia and America would make great allies.” I couldn’t believe my ears. You sacrificed your best friends and ring finger in the Cold War! C’mon, Unc, Putin is a dictator which means he’s anti-America.
Trump suddenly threatens a nuclear war, endorses an accused child molester or uses the presidency to tweet that a female cable host “…was bleeding badly from a face-lift”. He refers to Mexicans as rapists or says, "I’ve always had a great relationship with the Blacks.” Two of your best friends are minorities but when I brought up Trump’s “shithole countries” remark, all you said was, “Obama’s from Africa.”
You are a role model of a humble, hard-working guy. You’d never stiff students or contractors, bankrupt a company for a tax break or take hundred million-dollar loans from the Russian underworld. The fact that you were continually defending this destructive con man really got me thinking.
That’s why I was so relieved to find out it’s all biological! I’m sending the Associated Press article below about the “Trump Gene” responsible for making people support Trump no matter what he says or does. You say the exact same things the trial patients say. There’s hope for us. Science has again shined its light on a Dark Age. You may not believe me but you can’t help it—it’s genetic. Thank God we finally have a name for it.
Truth is, you may just call this more “fake news” or “Chinese propaganda” but even if it is fake, I believe it. And that might be just what it takes to get my uncle back.
Your nephew Jake
AP TOP STORIES
Report: Scientists discover Trump Gene
San Luis Obispo, Ca. (AP)
Scientists at Steyer Laboratories have discovered “The Trump Gene” that is responsible for making people support Trump no matter what he says or does. They have named the gene “FU40” in part after the percentage of the population that is stubbornly pro-Trump despite the kind of person he, in fact, is, and what he’s doing to the country.
The scientists found the FU40 after noticing cortisol and dopamine flooding the supporters’ brains whenever Trump tweeted something. They report the neurotransmitters create a euphoria similar to smoking crack cocaine and that the supporters immediately turn aggressive whenever anything negative is mentioned about Trump.
For example, when the scientists mentioned topics such as the Trump-Russia investigation or the 19 sexual assault accusations against him, the supporters invariably snapped back things like “Mexican rapists!” or if they heard that Trump lied over 2,000 times as president, they shout, “It was Obama!”
This delusional state makes an otherwise proud woman dismiss the fact that Trump likes to “grab ‘em by their pussy” as “boy talk” or reject his 19 accusers as “in it for the fame and money”. In the same way, a working class man who believes in God, fidelity and neighborly love responds to Trump’s porn star affairs and attack-tweets dividing the country by saying, “But he cut taxes for the rich.”
Unfortunately, until genetic surgery evolves, scientists say the only thing that can be done to treat the Trump Gene syndrome is electroshock therapy.