Look, we’ve spent the past five hours on this plane and let me tell you one thing: you better be stupid if you think I’m gonna be on this plane any longer than you plebs. I’ve traveled on over five hundred domestic flights and have never been successfully banned from any airline ever. I have very good lawyers.
Normally I fly business or first class but unfortunately my Premium Advantage Status was not honored at check in due to me calling the desk agent a shrew because she said I had to check my bag. Hey, I just call it like I see it.
I’m going to be up and on my feet even before that “Fasten Seat Belt” light turns off. Yea, I’m the one the flight attendants are talking about when they hop on the loudspeaker and say “Please stay in your seats until we have taxiied to the gate, do NOT get up right now, you sir–sir–in the business suit–please sit down. Do not get up. We are talking to you. You know who you are.” Yup. That’s me. And I don’t fucking care, because those three minutes I’m wobbling around like a tire store inflatable while our plane careens to the gate are ESSENTIAL to eventually getting off that plane first.
You think I can’t maneuver between the literal wall of people standing shoulder to shoulder, separating me from the open hatch that leads into beautiful Terminal C at JFK International Airport? Well you’re as dumb as the last person who thought that, because I can and will be the first person off this plane.
I will be on my cell phone the ENTIRE time, so I will not hear you saying, “Ouch you are hitting my ankles” “Who the hell do you think you are?” or “There is not the way you can squeeze past all these people.”
And yes, I will have my ROLLABOARD suitcase, which I snuck past the aforementioned desk shrew, and I will be dragging it behind me the entire time. Yes this will make things worse for everyone. I do not give a fuck.
And no, it doesn’t matter that there is a practically microscopic difference between what I am doing and how we will all eventually all be off the plane anyway, but too fucking bad diggity dawgs. Time is money and I will never have enough money to make me happy.
I refuse to get off the plane before my brothers in first class, however. They are American heroes who have paid God’s money for primo seats and I will NOT take that away from them.