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September 09, 2014
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He always gets the attention.

The Sibling Rivalry Happening Inside Your Adrenal Gland

Everyone always loves the baby of the family. Hoping he shows up. Excited when he does. Bragging to people when he’s here. Meanwhile I’m just expected everyday, not even acknowledged. Oh, but people are furious if I’m not there. Some probably say they don’t even get me everyday.

Well I’m tired of it. My little brother, your Second Wind, does whatever he pleases. Oh you’re sooo grateful when he shows up on a Friday night after a long work week. I’m you’re goddamned First Wind! I’m putting in the time EVERY day getting you out of bed, getting you to work, and getting NO recognition for my hard work!

Mom always liked him better. And I thought, “oh I’ll just work really hard and become a huge success and mom will love me too.” Yeah, that worked. Little did I know I was setting a precedent. Ol’ reliable, that’s me. Ol’ everyday First Wind. He’ll be there. He always is. And if he’s not, he’ll be quickly replaced with a goddamned vanilla latte!

I don’t think Second Wind even has a job right now. You see him, what? Twice a week? What does he do all day? How do you find things to fill all that time? I don’t even know what I’d do if I didn’t have a job. And ya know what, I’ll say it, he’s on food stamps and that is not what the program is for. Not for lazy little Second Winds that can’t get their shit together.

He calls himself an artist. Says he reads books and writes, and is getting into painting. Yeah, last time I was at his place I saw a canvas, brushes, and paint still wrapped in plastic in a Joann Fabrics bag in the corner of his room. What an artist. I’d love to watch him create.

Last Thanksgiving, he said he was thinking of moving to a farming commune. But mom said, “oh no, don’t go! We love when you show up on random evenings or towards the end of exercising. You give us strength.” Yeah mom, he gives you the strength to watch another hour of Bravo. What will you ever do without it? Probably miss out on a contrived story line about a gay guy with a fake real estate career that was recycled from yesterday’s show about a gay guy with a fake fashion career.

OK, so sometimes I get worked up thinking about Second Wind and go off on tangents. Bravo can do whatever they want. They’re honestly changing the state of TV and I guess any innovation is commendable. I’m just over worked. I’m stressed and I’m tired. Sometimes I just want to go to culinary school, but it’s like I’m trapped here in the family business and can’t get out unless Second Wind gets in. I’m like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but no one’s brought me a basket of money and I’ve never had to pull Second Wind out of a lake, thank God.

So what’s a First Wind to do? Just keep clocking in, I guess. Just keep on moving. Keep fighting the fight. And I’ll just try to ignore whenever I inevitably hear, “I got a second wind! Let’s go out!”

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