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June 20, 2016

Strong opinions about Mother's Day from a garbage father

You can see it out in stores right now: people scrambling for the perfect card or picture frame for Mother’s Day. But how many of those people are also looking for a gift for their fathers? None at all. I may be a huge piece of garbage, but head’s up: dads should be celebrated on Mother’s Day too.

What’s the deal with giving moms an entire day just to themselves? Don’t get me wrong, it makes sense to me that dads have Father’s Day, but I’m a true asshole who also sees logic in never buying napkins or toilet paper because you can get them for free at Starbucks. In my warped opinion, the whole Mother’s Day phenomenon is symptomatic of a larger societal bias towards moms. For example, we used to have an empty room at work where I could sneak in a nap if I had stayed up too late the night before looking at porn, like trash people are wont to do. But now? It’s a “pump room,” so all the new mothers in the office can have a safe space to collect breast milk full of the nutrients that are essential to a baby’s growth and development. If they really needed more space, they could just do what I do and pretend to be disabled so they’d have access to the larger, private bathroom for cripples.

And on the note of new mothers, I’ll never forget coming home from the hospital after my wife gave birth to our son (who luckily takes after his beautiful mother and not his despicable father) and seeing all the decorations our family had made welcoming the new mother home. Would it have killed someone to make a sign for the new dad too? And for that sign to be the largest and most prominent one? After all, we were both at the hospital that day. While my wife went through eight hours of painful labor, I stuffed myself on Hardee’s and eventually took a massive shit that resembled me, because – you have to remember – I myself am a huge piece of shit.

Granted, I’m still on a child’s level when it comes to Kohlberg’s stages of moral development, but the solution here seems pretty simple to me: rebrand Mother’s Day as Parent’s Day and keep Father’s Day as is. And for everyone out there who just got worried about not having a gift ready for dad on Parent’s Day, rest easy. A monthly subscription to BangBus.com is only $9.95. You’re welcome.

Craig Sanders