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June 05, 2018

Three brief tales of horror from the most terrifying place imaginable.

Tales of Terror From… The Coffee Shop That Didn’t Provide Enough Plugs!

“Trouble Brewing On The Horizon”

John Mapplethorpe was a young, high-powered Minnesota district attorney on his way to the top. Graduating first in his class from a very prestigious law school, nothing bad had ever happened to John Mapplethorpe. Nothing bad could ever happen to John Mapplethorpe…

Or so it would seem.

But one fateful day, while he was busy working on the one case that would MAKE OR BREAK HIS CAREER, a horrible realization washed over John Mapplethorpe like a monsoon on an already-rainy day.

His personal laptop computer was almost out of batteries.

Desperately. Hopelessly. John Benjamin Mapplethorpe crawled on his hands and knees beneath the gum-encrusted coffee shop table. “Was there an outlet?” he wondered silently. “Oh please, dear God, let there be an outlet!”

But the wall was blank.

All the walls were blank.

John heard a soft, pinging noise and looked up to find that his computer only had 12% of its battery remaining…

And that’s when John Mapplethorpe BEGAN TO SCREAM!!!


It was just another ordinary Tuesday for local Minnesota city councilman, Nicholas James Brenner. Just another ordinary, humdrum, run-of-the-mill Tuesday…

Or so it would seem.

Unfortunately, on this particular Tuesday, Councilman Brenner had just ordered a half-caf no-whip skim milk mocha from that damned, horrible… coffee shop that didn’t provide enough plugs!

Looking around helplessly, Nicholas James Brenner felt his pulse speed up like the wings of an angry butterfly… He needed an outlet. No. More than that. He needed to escape from that evil, awful, horrid, HELLISH coffee shop and sprint back into the outlet-filled freedom of sunlight.

Before it was too late.

But then, just as he was about to leave, Councilman Brenner realized something truly terrible:

His mocha had just been poured into a ceramic mug. Not into a take-away CARDBOARD CUP that could easily be transported out of the coffee shop and back to the safety of his PLUG-FILLED HOME OFFICE!!! Collapsing onto his knees in sheer, mindless terror, Nicholas James Brenner finally grasped the stark, immutable truth that bound him in place like the stare of the Medusa. He was trapped.

No. Worse than that…


“No Way In, No Way Out…LET!”

Audrey Elizabeth Heller was an aspiring Hollywood screenwriter working on a live-action prequel to the 1998 animated film A Bug’s Life. Sitting herself down in a seemingly-innocuous Minnesota coffee shop, Heller was relieved to discover that she had chosen the only table in the entire shop that had a plug beneath it.

Or so it would seem.

Unfortunately, after working for four and a half consecutive hours on the greatest Hollywood spec script since We’re The Millers, Audrey finally took a closer look at that so-called “plug.”

“Oh no,” she whispered.

Oh no, indeed.

Staring pitifully at the plug in front of her, Audrey Elizabeth Heller noticed that someone had crammed a LITTLE TINY PEBBLE INTO ONE OF THE OUTLET’S HOLES. And, even though the plug definitely still worked, she was unable to use it simply because SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE HER HAD BEEN A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BIG JERK!

Scraping desperately at the sides of the now-ruined outlet, Audrey watched in horror as her computer went blank–the last of its electric lifeblood depleted by the very screenplay it had died creating.

And with that, Audrey’s half-finished opus, A Bug’s Life: Origins, was gone forever.

Just another victim of that damned, dreaded, horrible…

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