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August 29, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Researchers in Japan are developing an augmented reality simulator that uses a real frying pan and virtual utensils to teach people how to cook. Keep in mind though: There is no spoon.

In a recently leaked recording of a speech given to the American League of Lobbyists, Senate candidate Rep. Denny Rehberg said, “I think lobbying is an honorable profession.” In Rehberg's defense, he was recycling a speech he gave earlier this year to the American Society of Big Time Prostitutes.

In the same speech, Rehberg told lobbyists, "I have to rely on you guys to tell me the information." Boy is he going to be upset when they tell him he made a giants ass of himself.

On Tuesday, scientists announced that Arctic sea ice is at a record low. But not quite Facebook stock low.

Rob Kardashian got a tattoo of his mom's, Kris Jenner, face. Not quite the picture of Dorian Gray she was hoping for, but she'll take it.

Iran confirmed that it's sending troops to support the Syrian government. In response, the UN complained at length to its girlfriend about it.

A luxury apartment in Hong Kong sold for $61 million. The apartment was previously owned by the long-serving and much respected mayor of Hong Kong, King Kong.

This Friday night, stargazers can expect to see a blue moon. It won't actually be blue, but rather just another reminder that all astronomers love hyperbole.

France announced it will be investigating Yassir Arafat's death as a possible murder. Said France, "Then we'll get to Shelley Long."

Isaac officially became a hurricane on Tuesday. However, officials remain hopeful that Hurricane Abraham will just come and stab it.

NASA plans to launch a series of mini-satellites that are basically smartphones inside a metal casing. A great idea except they'll never be able to find them when they're hungover.

Donald Trump said on Twitter that Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington is “unattractive both inside and out.” But as the saying goes, "People in glass houses shouldn't wear badgers on their head."

The Consumer Confidence Index fell from 65.4 in July to 60.6 in August. Because people just don't trust sandwiches anymore.

In Israel, a court ruled that the military was not responsible when a U.S. activist was killed by a bulldozer demolishing Palestinian settlements. Said the court, "Hope you're proud of yourself, Palestine."