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August 23, 2016
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a declaration of independence

It’s senior year,bitches, which means one thing and one thing only: time to start drawing up your will. That’s right; put on that tank top, slip an extra Trojan in your wallet, and choose an executor to handle your estate in the event of your untimely death.

We’ve been working our asses off for three years to get here. We had to listen to that dumbfuck Mr.Selmer lecture us about American History. We had to skip Tad Colton’s house party to building some fucking house for charity, remember that? Don’t even talk to me about Econ — the best use I ever got out of that textbook was rolling a spliff with Chapter 4 when I was out of papers. But fuck it; it’s finally time to cut loose and select beneficiaries to receive a portion of our residual wealth!

God, it feels so good to be a senior. Remember what fucking weenies we were freshman year,panicking over stupid tests, thinking we were badasses for skinny dipping at the public pool? You were such a pussy at that mixer, you ran away in tears when you saw Jenny Connolly hooking up with some upperclassman. Now it’s our turn, man! Getting first dibs on the hottest freshmen. Shitting on the dean’s lawn. Choosing a witness to cosign our will. It’s all happening.

We’ll still, like,go to classes and stuff. Our parents would kill us if we flunked out. Work hard, play hard, am I right? Here’s what we’ll do: skip the morning ones,because who the fuck expects us to sit through Western Civ after a night of pounding Jello shots in Kelly Walterman’s basement? We’ll rally after lunch,take whatever fucking test that bald prick Mr. Selmer puts in front of us, then head back to my house to lay out some guidelines for our next of kin on how to pay our outstanding debts and taxes.

I swear, some of these kids don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘intestate.’ It’s fucking embarrassing. Let’s go rip some cigs and reword that Testamentary Trust clause before fourth period.

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