(This is a recap. Spoilers below.)

This week’s episode of American Horror Story: Cult was fucked up!

Here are 10 Fucked Up Fucking Things from “Winter Of Our Discontent” - it’s called that because Winter (Billie Lourd) becomes upset when- Wait…what? It’s a what? A reference to Steinbeck? Who? Who is that? An author? Of books? Of…really good books? Classic American literature? Shakespeare? But he’s not American! Oh, BASED on a Shakespeare quote? Did you like it? DID YOU LIKE IT? Oh, you’ve not read it? East Of Eden is your favorite? Grapes Of Wrath is a close second? …Okay… Good to know…

1. Rudy & Kai’s Relationship

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“Remember when we used to hug all the time like this and then mommy shot daddy?”

Dr. Rudy (Cheyenne Jackson) visits Kai (Evan Peters) for the first time since the shooting. “I got your Edible Arrangement,” Kai coldly tells his slightly older, much handsomer brother after 10-15 random men leave his house without explanation.

The two appear to have a heart-to-heart - there’s brotherly pride, some allusion to Kai’s daddy issues and a convenient admission by Rudy that he had no knowledge of nor part in Kai’s extracurriculars. How is that even possible?

So, not only has Rudy been completely in the dark and definitely NOT in charge of the cult this whole time, Kai politely requests that Rudy now be his bitch. “From now on, call me councilman.” Dat’s fucked up.

2. This Handmaid Shit

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Wait, who are all those background women in suits??? Why aren’t they helping??

After rebelling in last week’s episode, our “Charlie’s Angels” - Ivy (Alison Pill), Winter and Beverly (Adina Porter) - are somehow back in with Kai, cooking for and serving his “army.”

While Ivy and Beverly have had just about enough of his misogyny and empty promises, again, Winter can’t betray her brother. He’s sweet when you get to know him. Like, one time, he saved a bunch of people from a real-life Hell House. What? You’ve never been? It’s simply TO DIE FOR. [evil laugh]

3. Judgement House

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Anyone else get the sense this was a pitch for a separate season that got rejected?

In a flashback, Winter reveals that Kai’s actually a really good dude because, get this, he saved a bunch of kidnapped 30-somethings-playing-20-somethings from a crazed zealot. Pastor Charles (Rick Springfield) tortured and, presumably, killed innocent people he judged to be sinners (had a UTI, attended rehab, volunteered at an AIDS clinic, etc.) in his “Hell House"or, for copyright infringement purposes, "Judgement House.” Winter and Kai found him via the Dark Web. Except, there’s not way Pastor Charles knew about the Dark Web. Unless Netscape is now the Dark Web?

5. The Messiah Stuff

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“Come here often?”

Kai knows the girls killed Harrison, which we also know. But, now, Winter knows that Kai knows that we know - yeah…

Surprisingly (except to viewers) he doesn’t give a shit, just as long as Winter pledges her absolute loyalty to Kai and bares his children, a perfectly reasonable, normal…

Wait. The fuck?

6. Rudy’s Incompetence

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“This was taken when we were still happy, after the murder-suicide of our parents”

Whoa boy has Dr. Rudy screwed up. Not only had he completely missed that Kai was a cult leader, he failed to connect that Ally was talking about Kai in their sessions this whole time. Understandably, Ally wants blood, and threatens Rudy with adult stuff like reporting him to the Better Business Bureau or something which is “so Ally.” He claims he didn’t mean to ruin her entire life and promises to reunite Ally with her son, Ozzie (Cooper Dodson). He also wants to use his psychiatry super powers to have Kai committed. (Ooh, and then we could have a tear in the space-time-asylum-continuum and have a mini season 2 reunion.)

7. The Time Of Anointing

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This shot lasted for a full 20 minutes, swear to god

Meanwhile, on the other side of the show…Kai follows through on his plan to fuck his sister, Winter, using Detective Hot Mike Pence (Colton Haynes) a.k.a. Detective Samuels as his surrogate. The plan is for Kai to enter Samuels as Samuels penetrates Winter. “Fun!” said no one ever.

The “only” problem is, Samuels is very unopenly gay and can’t get hard, not even for a cause as great as this. Amidst the flaccid chaos, Winter finally, FINALLY, rescinds her wavering consent.

Highlights from this scene include Kai playing All-4-One’s “I Swear” during the ritual and telling Winter, “You may lay down your receptacle now.”

8. Manwhiches

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“Manwiches,” because, like men, they’re sloppy and meaty and possibly poisonous

It’s not what you think, although a literal “manwhich” is something we’ve either already seen on AHS and have forgotten or will see in the near future.

No, Ally (Sarah Paulson) just invites Kai over for Sloppy Joes and sells out Rudy in exchange for her son. Why not work with Rudy against Kai? Because Kai scared her so good she no longer gets scared, she’s cured of her phobias - including the phobia of feeling guilt after killing an innocent person to get your son back. And Kai is cured of his phobia of eating strange meat served to him by his enemies.

9. Detective Hot Mike Pence (RIP)

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How is he so ripped yet so plump all at once? Is he just 22?

We knew pretty much nothing about Detective Samuels until this episode and now we all wish we knew even less.

Kai forces Winter to do community disservice (pretty good, right?) wearing a dunce cap and throwing recyclables back into nature because, according to Kai, Global Warming isn’t real.

Detective Samuels comes to pick her up and deliver her lunch (gruel, another penance for refusing his seed.) Naturally, in the car with Winter, Samuels gives us his backstory, which is prettty fucked up…

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

INT. DETECTIVE SAMUELS’ HOME - NIGHT

Frustrated grunting is heard off-screen.

KAI, a young man (30-something-playing-20-something), strolls in through an open door.

A WOMAN (brunette, attractive, 12-75) runs out of an adjacent room, upset.

WOMAN
He’s terrible because he can’t fuck good. And not because of the Nazi paraphernalia he collects and prominently displays in his entry-way!

KAI (V.O.)
Speaking of entry-ways, I thought, thinking about this woman’s vagina.

CUT TO:

INT. DETECTIVE SAMUELS’ HOME - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Kai sits on DETECTIVE SAMUELS’ bed.

SAMUELS
I’m so hot and I have a gun and all these muscles but I can’t get it up.

KAI
First of all. You’re definitely NOT gay. But you should fuck me and that’ll help you.

SAMUELS
(Sniffles)
K.

END FLASHBACK.

Winter, naturally, tells Samuels that he’s actually gay and Samuels, naturally, tries to prove he isn’t by raping Winter. Thankfully, she shoots him in the head. The End.

10. The End

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Gary Graham Fall 2018 collection

The bodies are dropping all over the place. Not only does Kai kill Rudy, his own brother, but he locks up Beverly for killing Detective Samuels, per Winter’s lie.

But that’s not the fucked up thing. Ally is now part of the cult. But THAT’S not even the fucked up thing. She and Ivy are going to be in the cult TOGETHER.

Was Kai planning this all along? Possibly. Anything’s possible on this show. Next week, we might find out Ozzie’s been the ringleader this whole time and is giving Kai directives via little color-pencil drawings.

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