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Additional Credits:
Dylan Rhymer, Canada, State of the Week,, Dylan Rhymer's 1-hour stand-up comedy special:
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Published August 22, 2012

(MISSOURI) In a tearful and poignant address, Republican Senate nominee Todd Akin disclosed that he has recently been gang-raped and impregnated by ducks during a visit to Hickory Adams park. He plans to carry the human-duck fetus to full term, in keeping with his pro-life values.

Said Mr Akin; “I walk it like I talk it, even if it means giving birth to a mutant duck rape-baby. God’s will be done.”

Ducks are unique in that they are one of the only known species that are known to reproduce by gang rape. 

Mr Akin was fallen upon at sunset while bending over to feed some bread to a gaggle of ducks while visiting the park with his family last Saturday. In the ebbing daylight, Mr. Akin became lost in the park and was overwhelmed by sexually aroused ducks where he was repeatedly mounted and impregnated by a horde of the sex-crazed waterfowl. He did not report the duck rape at the time of the incident out of confusion and shame.

“To be honest, I was wearing tight-fitting shorts and by bending over in the reeds, I was asking for it.” Continued Mr. Akin “But I am pro-life and this fetus is God’s way of giving me a gift, a gift in the form of a duck-human hybrid mutant baby and I am thankful.”

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