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April 20, 2012

A rant about 4/20, holidays in general, and a bunch of other shit.

Happy 420, brah! Light up a spliff and listen to some trippy tunes from the 5th dimension, and at the same time, watch some random youtube video on mute. THEY ALWAYS FIT.


So lets talk 4/20 then. If you're the type that really gets into holidays, this has to be one of the coolest ones, right?

I mean, we got zombie Jesus paired with a rabbit that has kids searching for eggs....

...we got the night for people to roam around, door-to-door and in costume, to get awarded free candy...

...we got the day to celebrate dead puppe....er, presidents.

We got the day for eating a bunch of bland tasting food to celebrate the genocide of the Indians... (Thanksgiving food is so dry, and all full of MSG...it's tragic, really)


....and then we got one dedicated just to smoking pot. Well that...and Hitlers birthday. But no one could possibly be celebrating Hitlers birthday, could they? Unless Hitler himself is celebrating right now, because he faked his own death like Tupac.

The big irony of 4/20, is maybe all it would've taken Hitler to relax a little would've been a birthday joint. No World War II. No Nazis. No needless genocide. Boom.



Trace Bannon





Pretty sure that's how it would've gone down.


Doesn't Hitler look like a lightweight? He looks stoned as fuck.



Damn, I just realized I joked about two genocides in one blog. On a real roll tonight.


Another thing about 4/20, is the people on Facebook, who are all hip and sour to it. "Your 4/20 celebration is LAME. Losers." Or "OMGz, like, thers 2 many stats aboot 420!11" (No one types like that anymore, its 2012.) I'm sure you go around saying "Merry Christmas" every December dipshit, so relax while people smoke an extra few bongs every April 20th and make a Facebook update about it. Hell, maybe you should start smoking a little herb yourself so you can write something hateful that's actually funny.


....OR at least so you're high enough when you read this 4/20 post, that you think IT is actually funny. Because I ran out of my stash, and can't seem to find my writing groove when I'm sober. So since I'm not smoking any weed of my own, I need to rely on the weed of other people. If that weed is dank, then all 12 of my readers might laugh at one of the hunks of comedic shit I throw at the Blogger wall.
(It's a 10 - 1 ration...10 offensive statements to every 1 joke.)


I'm just saying, if you're gonna make fun of something, anything, including fake holidays such as 4/20...do it with some class and dignity. Be original with it, don't just diss the holiday...get creative in your attack. Kill a few figurative babies to make your point.

For example, I'm not a fan of sports. But its not enough to just post a status saying


"Sports suck. Its 4 hours of mostly advertising. They're probably rigged too. And they're payed so much money for basically playing games. WTF?"


Well shit, that was boring. People don't want to discuss anything on Facebook, do they? They just wanna cunt-bump each others egos. So when you make fun of 4/20 do the opposite of that, and take a shit on their egos instead. This includes a bit of staining of your own ego, to some extent. But man up and expect the haters, you pussy. Greet them with red, glossy eyes and a trollface.
You following me?


See? I made a meme to make fun of sports. This meme business is popular with our shitty, lifelessly vacant, conditioned generation, right? So basically, instead of writing some epic symphony or crunchy groove, I lowered my creative standards to the lowest possible level...internet memes. But it's still slightly more entertaining than just saying-

"Sports are useless! You people are clueless, spiritually unproductive vessels of evil incarnate!"

Memes are certainly the lowest form of comedy, right under Improv and Mimes, and tied with Comedy Blogs.

It's just a compromise. Life is all about compromises. You get good at something, expect some haters. You wanna talk shit about something, even if you're kidding, expect some haters. You bang someones sister, expect some haters. You want to help people out and live a charitable, selfless lifestyle, expect a lot of haters AND to eventually be killed. Just look at Jesus.

In the writing of this article, I did a number of things, two things of which were of actual importance. 

First...I found a remaining bowlpack. 

And second...I found a series of Youtube videos about how to quit pot that gave me more ranting material. Let's check one of these Bad Larry's out...



Wait, PART 1...so it takes more than one video to explain how to quit smoking pot? I mean, it's really quite simple...first, you run out of money. Then, you can't afford a weekly 8th of nugget. Problem solved. You've quit pot. How many of these videos did this dude waste his time and our oxygen making?



31 videos? What the fuck? So you went from smoking pot....to making a 31 part video series on Youtube about not smoking pot?

Right, seems productive. Just like watching paint dry. Personally, I'll stick to getting high and writing epic songs.


As a matter of fact, here's a track I wrote on 4/20 two years ago about some killer weed.


Now which seemed more productive, a 30+ part youtube series about quitting pot, or 6 minutes of poorly recorded yet well-composed psytrance metal INSPIRED by pot? I'll let my 12 stoned readers be the judge.