What do you get for your loved one who has everything? Here's a handy guide to this holiday season's hottest new gifts:
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Presents Famous People Who Died IN Bathrooms ($14.99, Barnes and Noble) This easily portable book containing mini-biographies of Elvis Presley, Orville Redenbacher, and Jim Morrison is perfect reading material for long trips to the bathroom.
Shiny Black Piece of Plastic ($499.99, Sharper Image) For the businessman on the go, there is nothing better gift than a black shiny piece of plastic that can be clipped to the belt or face. Available in small and extra small sizes.
Raymond Burr Refrigerator Magnets ($19.99, Target) Can't get enough Raymond Burr? With this classy magnet set, the portly star of Perry Mason can now grace your refrigerator door. A perfect gift for that special someone who wants to be reminded of the actor's chilling turn in Rear Window every time they prepare a midnight quesadilla.
Apple iDildo ($299.99, Apple Store) Mac has done it again, combining sleek design and packaging to make the most user-friendly dildo ever. For inexperienced lovers, iDildo comes equipped with spot on GPS, ladies!
Vincent van Gogh Earmuffs ($49.99, Land's End) Celebrate the art of Vincent Van Gogh with commemorative Van Gogh print earmufffs, available in patterns from masterworks like The Starry Night and Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear and Pipe.
Vienna Sausage Three-Pack ($0.99, The 99 Cent Store) The perfect gift for senile relatives who won't remember what you got them moments after unwrapping their gift.
HD DVD Player ($50.79, Best Buy) There's no better way to say "You're my second favorite child" than giving your kid the Hi Def player that lost out to Blu-Ray.
Frost/Nixon Action Figures ($10.89, Toys-R-Us) This year, no stocking is complete without fully posable action figures from this holiday season's hottest awards contender. Kids will be as eager to recreate the film's climactic interview scene as the Academy will be to bestow Ron Howard with Oscar gold!
Happy shopping, suckers!