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Published October 18, 2010
All I wanted to do was breathe; To frolic through a forest on a beautiful autumn day and let the crisp fall air enthrall each and every one of my senses, to incapacitate me with glory and excellence. Apparently my nose had other plans.
I've had a deviated septum all of my life. I've never known the sweet sense of suckling the air from mother nature's glorious teet, consuming deep gasps of her precious gasses into my craving lungs. I had to make a change. My nose was like my private Auschwitz and breathing was a way out! A promise of freedom from the tyranny and oppression that was my body. I had to make a change.
A few short days ago I made that change, I had my surgery and made a great escape from my nasal concentration camp, or so I thought.
Since that fateful day, things have been worse than ever! I've been bed ridden for days with no hope for the future.  I can't chew chewy foods, that includes steak, ribs, FUCKING MILKY WAY BARS. I can't sneeze , I can't blow my nose, I can't pick my nose, or even pop my pimples. I can't work out,  I can't jazzercize, I can't even yoga! (and i hate yoga). I can't drink, I can't smoke , I can't sex, hell I can't even jerk off! (Yea I did the math and thats 84% if my daily activities)
As you can see this is going to be the lamest few days ever... but if my proud and noble ancestors can survive the horrors of Nazi Oppression, so can I. So i salute you my Jewish brothers... and all that you sacrificed and the courage you mustered up to survive your Holocaust, cause I'm sure as shit gonna need it to survive mine.
L'Chaim.
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