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February 06, 2015
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As nearly-forgotten diseases like mumps and measles are making a comeback, it's time to set the record straight on vaccination.

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As more parents have been skipping or delaying vaccinations for their children (a trend that has contributed to recent outbreaks of nearly forgotten diseases such as measles, mumps, and whooping cough) we wanted to take the opportunity to clear up the following myths about vaccination:

  • The measles vaccine did NOT kill the kid in the Nationwide commercial.
  • Vaccines will NOT turn a mogwai into a gremlin.
  • Getting vaccinated will NOT give you slinky-like genitals.
  • Getting vaccinated will NOT give you Steve Buscemi-face.
  • The measles vaccine does NOT implant a small chip into your child’s leg that acts as a tracking device for the government (the tracking device is injected into the arm).
  • Measles vaccines will not turn your child inside out.
  • Vaccines do not contain any trace amounts of American Sniper critiques.
  • There is no evidence that Barack Obama bows toward Mecca every time a child gets vaccinated.
  • Vaccinations will absolutely not, under any circumstances, cause your child to start calling your ex-wife’s new husband “Daddy.”
  • Refusing to vaccinate your child will not get the TV show Bad Judge back on the air. That ship has sailed.
  • Vaccinating your child against rabies will not turn him into a dog.
  • The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were not created through a CDC vaccination program gone wrong.
  • The measles vaccine does not protect against freckles.
  • Vaccines don’t cause blindness. Masturbation does.
  • Vaccines do NOT cause fun personality quirks perfect for peripheral sitcom characters.
  • Vaccine profits do NOT go to the spoiled great-grandchildren of Louis Pasteur.
  • The government does NOT have Vaccine Administration Agents who wear dark sunglasses and lick their lips at the site of children’s veins.
  • Vaccines did NOT do that to Carrot Top.
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