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January 28, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Casey Anthony has filed for bankruptcy. Which might be difficult since she keeps misplacing all her important paperwork.

Kim Jong-un said there would be “high-profile” retaliation in response to United States-led sanctions on North Korea. But to put that in perspective, in North Korea, Judge Judy is on the A-List.

Egypt declared a 30-day state of emergency in three cities in response to violent rioting that is itself in response to death sentences given to those who participated in violent protests. Along with a refusal to be oppressed, Egyptians also refuse to learn the meaning behind the phrase "endless cycle of violence."

Voters in Ontario elected Canada's first openly gay premier. Canadians were so proud they almost bragged but then mumbled a bit of self-criticism about how they almost bragged.

Novak Djokovic became the first man in nearly half a century to win the Australian Open three years in a row. After the match, Djokovic thanked his family for all their love, support, and vowels.

Democratic Sen. Tom Harkin of Iowa said he won't be seeking re-election. Bittersweet news for challenger Aaron Mitchell, as he will never be able to put the slogan "Harkin Up the Wrong Obama Tree" to good use.

A dolphin died after getting trapped in Brooklyn's Gowanus Canal on Friday evening. And you just know other, not-as-original dolphins are going to start showing up next year to do the same thing.

PepsiCo announced it will be removing the ingredient brominated vegetable oil, a flame retardant, from Gatorade. "Oh, that explains my sperm," said the Human Torch.

Due to a rule made by the Library of Congress, it is now illegal to unlock and modify a phone sold by a U.S. carrier. Apparently Congress is so bad, it even figured out how to make people hate libraries.

Exxon reclaimed its position as the world's most valuable stock after Apple's value plummeted. Apple: A company so great to work for, even our stock has become suicidal.

10,000 crocodiles have escaped from a farm in southern Africa. Even worse: crocodiles are naturally attracted to rampant government-level corruption.

The Rhode Island House of Representatives passed legislation that would legalize gay marriage. Because contrary to stereotypes, lots of gay men don't care about state size.