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Published May 06, 2010 More Info »
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Published May 06, 2010

Step 1. Completely unfamiliarize yourself with your own resume. If it’s hard to do have a friend add things to your resume. Remember, sell yourself on your utter surprise when the interviewer asks you for example, “How was your experience as a prison warden.”

Step 2. Always ask to see your resume while the interviewer is reading from it. Double check front and back to ensure that it is your resume and then promptly return the resume to the interviewer. There have been horror stories about people being interviewed with someone else’s resume.

Step 3. While providing three copies of your resume make sure that they are properly folded into four unequal sections.

Step 4. To show your commitment to detail write the directions and contact information on the back of the resume you provide to the employer.

Step 5. Be blunt! Employers like honesty. When asked why you would like to work for, “Company X,” tell them: cause it seems cool, it’s close to my friends house, I saw a hot girl in the hallway, I need money so my cell won’t be shut off, ect.

Step 6. You only need to Iron the front middle section of your shirt, unless of course you are wearing a tie. A tie negates ironing because the overdressed tie counterbalances the underdressed wrinkles making you, ta-dah, business casual.

Step 7. Socks recommended but not necessarily necessary*

Step 8. Shave with a set of head trimmers to create a five o’clock shadow for a <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />10 am interview. The scruff will send a message to the interviewer that you were up at 4 am emailing, reading the times and the post, Pilates, maybe a little cardio and took the kids to school.

Step 9. Be hung over for gods sake! An hour interview and then the rest of the day off? There is no reason to not close the bar down the night before an interview.** Being hung over also screams: A. Responsibility. It says, “Hey, no matter how fucked up I get the night before, I’ll always be here in the morning.” And B, it shows that you have a nice balance of fun and work, you know when it’s it time to let your hair down.

Step 10. Always top the interviewer. If the interviewer tells you to enjoy the rest of the week the weather is suppose to be beautiful you would respond with, “enjoy the rest of February it’s the shortest month and man it flies by.” Boom! You just topped the interviewer and you flexed a little calendar knowledge muscle.

Step 11. Always end the interview with a compliment. A can’t miss recommended compliment would be, “I bet you were a real pistol back in the day.” Compliments like that leave the interviewer with a smile and also serves a little cover up for any blemishes you may

have had during the course of the interview.

Step 12. When the interviewer thanks you for coming in, make sure to let them know how difficult it was to get there. “It’s no big deal I just had to find a baby sitter” or “yeah, it was a real bitch finding a ride here” or “It’s not a big deal unless someone unpaused Splinter Cell on my Playstation 2, it took me like 6 hours to find the grenade 6 launcher used to blow up the Axis Powers troop supply bridge.” Before leaving make sure to ask for your resume back.

*Try to use power phrases like necessarily necessary or probably probable during the interview.

** Always drink at least one glass of water before bed, you have an interview in the morning let’s act like it.

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