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August 30, 2012

Sudden Death and my first time with the man they call Damme


Discovering Jean-Claude Van Damme


I’d never seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme (the hyphen is neccessary) movie, the only reason I knew him was because as a kid I was a huge Dennis Rodman fan and they were in Double Team (not a porno), together which I never saw. By the way, was there anyone cooler than Dennis Rodman if you were a kid? You could change the color of his hair on NBA HANGTIME by pressing Right C on N64, no one, and I mean no one, not even Jordan, was cooler. He also is the punchline in the last joke in MIB, one of the coolest 90s movie, “Not much of  disguise [if he’s from another planet].” In addition, he and Hollywood Hogan fought Karl Malone and DDP at Bash at the Beach. All I can say is I miss the 90s and Attitude era wrestling.
I just saw Van Damme “make the save of the year” in the Stanley Cup Final, not impressed? What if I were to tell you that Van Damme doesn’t play hockey, and that he’s a cop or a security guard, I came in late. And this isn’t like Invincible, he’s not a cop or security guard with a  secret talent for hockey, he’s just a cop who winds up in the game in order to disguise himself. Are you impressed yet?
The movie's called Sudden Death and I'm happy to report my life has been changed forever, seeing him in Expendables 2 didn't really count, sure he kicks a knife into a guy's chest, but anyone can do that, especially if it's a Ronco knife. 
I’d write more, but Van Damme just signaled to his kid in the crowd with a secret hand gesture, I don’t think it is possible for me to love him more… nope wait I do, he’s engaged in hand to hand combat with a villain on top of the stadium. O yeah, he beats up a Penguin Mascot too, and when I say beats up, I mean he kills him. He kills a mascot. Do I need to repeat that? He kills a mascot... on purpose. Like purposefully kills a penguin mascot, the most huggable of all mascots. He kills it. Kills it dead. Kills it real dead.  
I’m still trying to figure out why the NHL OK’d this movie? The answer: The 90s. 
The Hollywood Defender