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July 11, 2009


A famous philosopher once said "that when you leave a place that you love-part of you remains behind."
I grew up here in NYC., and just got an email that the 20sq.ft.space I've been renting all these years isn't rent controlled any longer so now I need to get the rest of myself.  " That's cold."
Anyway,hello,NYC.. Hello's nowadays take me alot longer, since I've been living in the south for so long but I'm on the clock-so just pretend that I was real friendly. (Check wrist watch,)I wear this big old watch now "cause I couldn't see the Rolex or Coach anymore;gave them to some seeing eye dogs-someone may as well enjoy them.
Just last week I was sitting in my vet's. waiting room in S.C. on a bench next to a man with an unusual looking dog.So,I asked him what kind of dog is that, and he answered "oh,he's a Blue Pit Bull;"I said "what's he got to be upset about imagine how the kid with Joan Rivers "discarded face feels?"
The airport in Columbia was cute;in the background I could hear a James Taylor, song, it was "In My Mind I'm Going to Carolina;"hmmm I thought ;easy for you to say sitting around in Nantucket or Marthas Vinyard;I wouldn't mind going in my mind-just get the rest of my ass out of here!
Boarding was awkward;getting to the window seat,climbing over the other two people. The guy in the middle wanted to know what was in my carry on, I said,shh;that's my bird; she gives me alot of comfort , and isn' it nice when they fly legal?
So then the flight attendant told us to return our trays and what not to there original and upright position;so I nudged the guy next to me and said"been there-done that." And he said "tray table not rack,lady. "Ohhh, just trying to lighten things up a bit,whateva.
Anyway, I was up front with the lovely folks that run this place when I emailed them and told them that coming from a smaller place like Columbia,I'd probably be so nervous that I'll "have a chicken;"they didn't miss a beat and mailed me right back. Here's what they wrote:"we may not be suprised,you are from S.C.,are you not;doesn't your Gov. take his pigs to work with him? It was like duelling emails and I answered back,"sure, it's a manner of interjecting alittle intelligence into the local gov't.,and besides I have never seen those pigs wearing lipstick;"hoping that would put their minds at ease.
Finally,the Captain makes the announcement to "prepare" for our final desent into NYC.,and I've got to tell you you never stop being amazed at the tall bldings.,the water and the Hudson River;so I prepared and changed into my bathing suit.    Oh,no people my integrity remained in tact the whole time, I had my neighbor hold up a beach towel for me.
Once inside the terminal I immediately spotted the "Gullible Southerner Baggage Claim Area;"and as luck would have it,guess who was standing right next to me?Emerille Lagasse.So he says,"oh,nice chicken.I say "thank you,very much!"He says 'what's her name?" I answer Daisy;he says something or other about Rosemary when I notice my bag.I go to get it and could swear he was saying something about mashed potatoes and comfort food. When I return a few moments later my Daisy and Emerille are gone!I can put two and two together,I just bet he's probably"bamming"my poor Daisy right now.
Guess I'll have to find the strength to move on.
So,people let's go to "Bert's Berka Hut,"where no hair too big;no face too nice;" no,wait! I don't believe this- finally! Ya'll have no idea how many times I have asked this man to come see me! My Gynecologist just arrived! I SOO have always wanted him to see a completely different side of me, and wanted his support in the event that I make an ass of myself,because afterall,he's seen it before.Also, see Dr.,I can wear something other then white! Maybe since you've gotten off of your pocketbook,you can come and see me this Sat. night;yeah-I'll show you my other side.
We are going to Berts Berka Hut. Unfortunatelly, in Columbia we have alot of traffic fatalities and this reporter on the radio down there was asking a policeman,Cpt.Wishitwasso-why we have so many accidents,"he responds,well,motorists in Columbia are trying to catch up on their reading." What,that will take forever, most of them have to go all the way back to Dick and Jane,Spot and Fluffy;he knows that isn't the problem. It's these new,agresssive commercials by this entrepreneur from Kabul..."Hey, you come to Bert's Berka Hut,eh;"where no hair too big,no face too nice. Sure, I know sometimes it's hard to be a womans,sure,I get it,eh.  Come all inferior American brothers, that's white ones,black ones,Latino ones;Bert just wanna testify,eh? Okay, first of all,I know 5 mons. already pass;but you guys have to straighten up.Let's start with white guys,eh;you have lipstick pig at home,eh? Which bag of rocks say"your body is wonderland,eh? If she not virgin-more like cesspool,eh. You go right now,check  wifes c.d.collection,eh...if she having Lauren Hill cd., situation very grave,eh..."if you got money,you got power,keep eye on final hour,"eh,what you think that means,eh? That one real nut,she wants to make a destroyment of men's everywhere,eh?
And when you African Am. guys become such wussys,eh? "Sugar,"eh-Florida Roots,listen to me sugar not your friend,eh..."there's no me without you,"eh? If I would say that I would have to say 20 times too much,eh..."You want to go outside in the rain,eh?-Be careful what you ask for, my brother,eh..."You feel like bustin loose,"eh...you mean when last Kwanza, when you buy wrong Coach bag woman hits you upside head with wrong bag,eh...next time you give her berka with nice Coach picture on front ,eh? You have brain that is bustin loose because of head injury,eh...what "you wanna take it to the bridge,"eh..."everything you got left in a box to the left,to the left,"eh...you ain't got nothing ,Beyonce at least giving you a headstart,eh?Better then Bush,eh,but it not much.
And you Feliz  Na vid guyz,eh..."what you think "but,poppe,I wanted the big one,"means,eh?
And just remember this Saturday is big tent sale,eh...we have berka for every occasion,eh...
You ,stupid, come,eh...
I'm not trying to keep foreigners out, I was German before I was a Ny'er and S.C.ian. but these ads creep southeners out. A few years ago,I and my Husband were visiting my Aunt and Uncle in Germany and they took us to the Bavarian Alps;I have to tell you,I hate the Mtns. My uncle was close to 80, and he has a lead foot you would not believe. He was flying around those curves,I was saying let me out,okay and he said"this car corrects itself,"I say "before or after?" I ask my husband "what's this the Dementia 5oo?"
 Anyway, thank you all and Goodnight! (Written on May10th.,for my other performance at the Gotham that never happened.)