Yeah, yeah, yeah … “Oversize”, “Wide Load” … I’ve heard them all, but I guess I only have myself to blame. I’m a big truck driving’ man with an ever bigger appetite. Ain’t no one ever put a plate of food in front of Tiny Mike’s fucking face that he didn’t finish.That would be wasteful. Oh yeah, I started calling myself “Tiny Mike” in hopes that it would catch on, but no dice, Kemosabe.
Instead, all day long I get: Big Mike, Fat Mike, Jumbo Mike, Heart Attack,Coronary, Dead Man Walking, DOA, Gigantor, Human Giant, and Jumbo.
Now I suspect it’s only because I haul over-sized loads. I mean, it would be SUPER insensitive for any of my fellow truckers to insult my weight issues. Who would be so cruel as to make light of my glandular disorder and insatiable appetite for triple cheeseburgers? Are truckers misunderstood gentleman able to rise above the low brow teasings and fat shaming found on your average playground? Granted your average truck stop IQ is lower than an AIDS patient’s T-Cell count and worse than a grade school boys locker room in terms of smells and the poop jokes, but they all seem like pretty good dudes. Plus if I everthought any of them were calling me fat, I would crush them with my ginormous ass.
I would snuff them out one by one, suffocating them with my stinky dimpled cheeks. As they gasped for air and tried to beg for their lives, I would say,”Sorry I wish I could hear you but I can’t because of my big fat ass. Can you please speak up?”
Then I’d go after their families and everything they ever loved, because I’m super sensitive about my physique and it would be the only way to really make my point … by killing every last one of them, just like I did in school all those years ago.
Anyways, maybe I should use my rig to pull smaller cargo,but this is where the big money is. Besides, I don’t mind the nicknames so much anymore, but if I ever find out they are because of my weight, I will murder them all one by one and the streets will run red with blood.
Have a good one!
Tiny Mike Roberts.