Winter is quickly approaching and we all know what that means: the onset of seasonal depression. We asked 14 people what they’re doing to battle the symptoms this year.


John J.
When I’m starting to feel a little seasonal depression, I just take a deep breath and imagine the number of people who would show up to my funeral if I died today. I know at least four people for sure. I hope this was helpful!


Jennifer C.
My boyfriend just left me for my dad so I’m in serious need of cheering up. Tonight’s double feature? Stepmom and Room! I haven’t seen them before — they’re comedies, right? Excited to get out of this funk!


Julie but with two I’s so it’s spelled Julii.
I don’t really get seasonal depression cause February is my science teacher and I’s anniversary! Sorry I couldn’t be of more help! Have you tried asking Jessica W.? She never has anyone to sit with at lunch so could be a really good resource if you’re looking for sad people.


Josh B.
You know what I do with those bad feelings? I lock ’em up and take ’em to the gym. By February, most of the fatties have given up on their New Year’s resolutions so it’s usually easy to find a free elliptical.


Lisa and Richard B.
You know the cure for seasonal depression? A little polyamorous love. Hi, we’re an attractive couple who love to have fun and are looking to meet like-minded individuals. If you think this is you, call us at 723-898-5555.


Kyle K.
I like to call celebrities, mask my voice, and be like, “If you EVER make another FUCKING movie I’m gonna FIND you and I’m gonna KILL you, you MOTHER FUCKER. I am NOT kidding!” It’s all in good fun, though.


Susan G.
Who are you? Where am I?


Jesse N.
You guys ever try masturbating? This guy at the gym just taught me about it. It’ll be spring before you know it!


Jennifer W.
I swapped places with my twin so I could fuck her boyfriend! He has no idea! SHHH!! DON’T TELL!!! LOL!!


A Bear
Bitch, you KNOW I hibernate in February! Why are you wasting both of our time right now?!


Rain Q.
Whenever I get seasonal depression, I hack into my teacher’s computer and email the principal some child pornography from his account. We’ll probably have a substitute next week!! But now I have a question for you — what is this for? Like a newspaper or something?


Tom B.
Fuck off.

thug boy in hoodie.jpg

Mason G.
Go to Taco Bell and mix all the sodas in one cup, baby!


Kyle and Benji C.
We’re sick of sharing a bedroom so are gonna trick our parents into getting a divorce. Dad should be getting a new apartment by the end of the month. Also we start karate this week!!!