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This originally appeared at Carroll ünd Klinger.

Mall Over You
by Ryan Markins

     Brian saw her across the Neshaminy Mall food court. The only thing hotter than the hot plate of Chinese food at her table was her hot, hot body. Brian liked her breasts the most. They were big. Not Katy Perry big, but still pretty big. And soft-looking. Brian liked how big and soft her breasts looked.
      She was eating Lobster Chow Mein, and Brian longed to be the fork that was entering her mouth. He looked down at his own plate and decided that it was his mission to give her his Buddha’s Delight. Only he wasn’t talking about the plate of Buddha’s Delight in front of him. He was talking about the Buddha’s Delight in his underpants.
      She had on a Hollister shirt and a nametag: Dana. Brian followed Dana back to Hollister after she finished her lunch. He stared at her from across the store, but she was playing hard to get. Brian began browsing the Paradise Cove Polos as he waited for her to come over and do her job.
      “How can I help you?” Dana asked. He could smell the Lobster Chow Mein on her breath.  He wanted her even worse than before.
      “Can I buy that shirt on your body?” he asked. “‘Cause I’d love to see you topless.”
      She giggled, “That’s such a good line.”
      “Do you guys sell condoms here?” he asked.
      She didn’t laugh this time. “That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Dana said. “Do me.”
      “No thanks,” he said. Dana looked crushed. “Sike,” Brian finally offered. “Let’s go do it in the dressing rooms.” 
      “No,” Dana replied. “Not here. I’ll lose my job.”
      “You know what I’d rather you lose?” he said. “Your panties.” He picked her up and carried her to the back. Unfortunately, all of the Hollister changing rooms were occupied. That didn’t surprise Brian -- Hollister’s brand of preppy coastal clothing appealed to multiple generations of Americans, making it one of the top clothiers in the nation.
      Brian put her down, and they set forth to the anti-Hollister: JCPenney. Just as he suspected, the dressing rooms here were entirely empty. 
      “I’m gonna do you in each of these rooms,” Brian told her.
      “I’m the luckiest girl in this entire mall,” Dana answered.
      They went to the first room. Brian took off his pants and Dana also removed hers, as is custom in sexual foreplay. She gasped as he put his thing into her thing.
      “I can’t believe we’re doing this,” she said. “I don’t even know your name.”
      “My name’s Brian,” Brian told her. “But all of my friends call me Ryan. ‘Cause it’s shorter, and a much cooler name than Brian.”
      “Oh, Ryan,” she screamed, clearly pleasured more than she had ever been pleasured before. “Your organ is so big. And you use it so well. That is such a rare combination in a man.”
      Ryan smiled. She was right. He really knew how to use it. He’d had tons of practice with other girls.  Attractive girls.  
      By the time they went into their third different dressing room, however, the JCPenney staff came to throw them out.
      “We’re really sorry to do this,” the manager said. “You two are really attractive -- particularly the male -- but our customers are intimidated by how hot you are and how good you are at having sex. Again, the guy is really impressive.  But please leave.”
      They got dressed and left the store. Dana was the first to speak, saying, “Wow, that was so satisfying. Thanks for that.”
      “We’re not done,” Ryan told her. “I typically have sex about 17 times per day.”
      “OK, whatever you want,” Dana said. “By the way, I really like your Coldplay shirt. They’re my favorite band!”
      “Thanks,” Ryan told her. “I love them as well. It’s not weird that none of my guy friends like them, right?”
      “That’s not weird at all,” she answered.
      They continued to walk. Ryan was determined to find some place secluded and private. They hung a right after Auntie Anne’s and he took her into the large Family Restroom.
      “Welcome to the Sex Palace,” he said.
      Dana cooed. “You’re so romantic.”
      Ryan unlocked the baby changing table and lifted Dana on top of it. He announced, “I shall now begin the portion of our lovemaking that involves only my fingers.”
      “You don’t have to do that,” she said. “I don’t even have a clitoris. Most women are like that, actually.”
      That was all the better for Ryan. He was ready to resume genital mashing when she pulled him close and whispered, “I love you and will do anything for you, my king.”
      “I love butt stuff,” he offered.
      She nodded, and he thus attached his unit to her heiny. They both confirmed that it was good.
      When that was done, Dana said, “Let’s make a 69.” So they made one, and it doesn’t need to be explained here, because everyone knows what it looks like and how it works. When it was done, Dana said it was the best 69 she ever had.
      After about the 13th or 14th time they had sex, Dana panicked and told Ryan she was upset because they’d forgot to use a condom so many times.
      “I can’t use condoms,” Ryan said. “I don’t fit in them.”
      “What about those super big ones?” she asked.
      “Not even those,” Ryan admitted. “But don’t worry. You won’t get pregnant. I’m circumcised.”
      They both laughed heartily, as they were relieved. They bonked for a 15th time.
      “The next time we do this,” Ryan began, “You should bring one of your hot girlfriends, like Kelly.”
      “Aren’t you in a writing workshop with Kelly?” Dana asked.
      “Yes,” Ryan answered.
      “I’d love to do that!” she exclaimed. “I’m sure Kelly would enjoy having sex with someone so learned in the carnal arts.”
      When they had intercourse for the 17th and final time, they decided to rest on the bathroom floor. Ryan took out his cool electronic cigarette and puffed on it. “That thing is so cool,” Dana told him. “It’s like the iPhone of cigarettes.” Ryan nodded.
      As he puffed and fantasized about his classmate Kelly McFadden, Dana went through his backpack and began reading his novel, which he always carried with him in case he ran into an agent. Dana devoured it even quicker than she had devoured that Lobster Chow Mein earlier.
      “This is so good,” she gushed. “You’re even better at writing than you are at having sex with me.”
      “Thanks,” Ryan told her. “I’m glad you like it. If anyone didn’t like my writing, I’d probably kill myself.”

THE END

This originally appeared at Carroll ünd Klinger.

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