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September 25, 2015
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Article detailing the options consumers have for choices in milk.

With so many choices in milk, making a decision can be overwhelming. Educate yourself with this comprehensive guide to the world’s most popular varieties.

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Cow’s Milk

White. Comes from cows. People drink cow’s milk because they think they’re supposed to — they see the cow in their heads, she’s mooing all over the farm and there’s some pitiful farmhand sitting there on a stool at 5 AM squeezing her tits. End of story. You drink it.

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Goat’s Milk

Goats, like cows, produce white milk. But the similarities end there — goats are not cows, and cows are not goats, or vice versa. Goats were named for the Goatee, a distinctive chin-beard/mustache combo the animals popularized in the mid-90s

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Sheep’s Milk

While sheep are definitely not cows, one could argue they are in fact, a type of goat. Sheep do not wear the traditional Goatee; instead, they grow out their plush, wool-like fur to maximum fluffiness in order to attract mates. The puffier the coat, the more sex a sheep has. It’s that simple. Just imagine this threadbare sheep going at it. Ewe. Now replace her with two inflated, bleating cotton-balls. Hell Yeah!

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Pig’s Milk

Pig’s milk is brown, like chocolate milk, and is slowly gaining in popularity. It is enjoyed as a worthy substitute to Coffee and Sanka, or for those who just want to drink something brown. Pig’s milk is also an integral ingredient in traditional Pig Cake.

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Soy Milk

Raw: Dark green. Processed: Off-white. Procured from the nipples of mature, responsible soy beans.

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Almond Milk

The product of squeezing an almond between ones thumb and forefinger really hard for about twenty minutes, then repeating until desired amount of milk is reached. Easier to prepare than coconut milk.

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Coconut Milk

Same process as almond milk, but with coconuts.

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Bunny Milk

Hoppy, aromatic, debilitatingly full-flavored — bunny milk is harvested from only the most winsome of Wild Jersey Rabbits. Bunny milk is light-pink and has the texture of runny custard.

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Sugar-Free Bunny Milk

Emerged as a response to the sky-high calorie count of regular, full-flavored bunny milk. For lovers of bunny milk, sugar-free bunny milk is a momentous downgrade.

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Woods’ Milk

Popular types include Poplar Milk, Oak Milk, and Colorado Blue Spruce Milk.

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Post Milk

Milk that draws influence from milk but is nonetheless decidedly post-milk.

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Digital MYLK

This online milk is available for download from the iTunes store and Google Play.

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Brisket Sandwich

Not a type of milk. Braised beef tossed with BBQ sauce, served on a brioche bun.

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Frank Stucky Milk

Organic milk from the breasts of Stonington, CT software engineer Frank Stucky, who was born with mammary glands.

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