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November 09, 2015
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Cookies are back and Carl gets in the lamest fight ever televised! Nine of the most ridiculous things from 'Now' s06e05 of The Walking Dead.

1) Rick’s Loud Speech About Being Quiet

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“HEY! GUYS! YO! OVER HERE. LISTEN UP! WE NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN!!! WHISPER AT ALL TIMES AND TURN THE LIGHTS OFF IN YOUR HOUSE. BETTER YET, BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE. NO MORE LIGHTS TO WORRY ABOUT!” You’re supposed to lead by example, Rick. I’m not sure this is the correct example to set. You sound like an auctioneer at the Grand Canyon. Also, as long as you’re screaming at the top of your lungs about tranquility, could you kindly let us know how the shit you got home? Last time we saw you was this:

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And two minutes ago it was this:

♫ Gotta do what you can just to keep your Rick aliiiive ♫

Look, I’m just as glad as the next guy that you Sheriff Gump’d your way up out of that jam. Stoked. Good to see you, bud! Looks like you lost some face bandages, have you been working out? But did you REALLY just outrun a thousand zombies? I read so many fan theories about how Rick was going to get up out of that jam. Most of them involved Daryl, two incorporated a time machine and more than a few seemed to suggest Rick is Kylo Ren, the villain in the new Star Wars. I didn’t read a single one that just said, “He walks out the front door and starts running.” Sometimes the answer is right in front of you! Sometimes the answer makes no sense. This answer makes no sense.

2) Hungry Like The Wolves

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I know it’s been almost twenty minutes since brunch, and everyone’s famished from all the cowering they just did, but please hold a beat before completely looting the pantry. A bunch of your neighbors got got by the wolves. Not to mention all those brave souls who perished by silent zombies on the nature walk. Basic pantry math (Disclaimer: I am not a pantry scientist nor do I claim to have attended any erudite pantry colleges) concludes that with fewer mouths to feed, the food you have should last a lot longer. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, BRUCE! Put the cans of food down. There’s plenty of celery to go around. I love how everyone watching is INSTANTLY tired of Bruce’s bullshit after only having known him for thirty seconds. We all know a Bruce, you guys. I’ve got a Bruce, you’ve got a Bruce, everyone’s got a Bruce. How is it possible that we all know someone like Bruce? #BRUCEGHAZI. #WEWANTANSWERS.

3) Thug Life

Jesus Christ, Carl. That was embarrassing. It’s a good thing your pretend girlfriend wasn’t around to see this, I think it may have caused her to go barren on the spot. Carl’s dance partner didn’t do much to make the fight interesting, either. He just laid there and threatened to tell Carl’s dad.

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“This isn’t even my final form.”

Break it up, you two! I don’t want to see this thing escalate to slam poetry and interpretive ballet. There are limits to the violence you can show on cable television!

4) Suicidal Tenant, See?

Life is tough. There will be days when you don’t want to get out of bed. You’re going to stub all kinds of toes on all kinds of things. Sometimes your husband of three days is going to write you a blog post on a receipt that you’ll never see because he got eaten alive against a fence while his new friends watched. THAT IS JUST LIFE! Most of us will be able to shake these trivialities off, but some of us (like this lady) are going to choose the easy way out. Why didn’t she stab herself in the head? Because these people are very dumb. Alexandrians are like a kid who loses their parents in a supermarket and decides the best place to look for them is in the middle of the interstate. Every citizen of Alexandria should be forced to wear a helmet at all times and have a note safety-pinned to their shirt that lists any serious allergies.

5) Sewer Zombies

Ew. Gross. These zombies are so gross. Shouts out to the makeup team for creating the grossest zombies I’ve ever seen! How bad do these zombies smell? They must smell very bad. All I could think about during this scene was, “Man. I bet those zombies smell so so bad.”

“Do you have a moment to talk about the church of Sewer-Day Saints?”

But if all their flesh is decaying off their bones, at what point do their brains also start to decompose? Are their zombie brains made out of that airplane black box material? Why don’t they build the whole zombie out of that black box material! And what’s the deal with zombie peanuts?! I have a tight five minutes on zombie air travel if anyone’s interested in booking me. Oh yeah, as long as we’re in the sewer, let’s check in on Maggie. Seems like a good spot for a quick check-in.

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“Glenn sent his sperm inside of me on a supply run & they never came back.”

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“This seems like an appropriate setting to share this beautiful news & have a good hug. Also, name your kid after me! Kidding but like totally not kidding at all.”

Yes, I called this a couple of weeks ago. It was super easy to call. But you guys do such a fantastic job of pointing out where I’m wrong each week in the comments that I figured I might as well point out the few times I’m right. Did I mention I read all of your comments? Last week a vegetarian told me my post made him want to vomit. It was awesome. I printed it out and put it on the wall of my office. Please leave more comments like that, they remind me why I come to work each day.

6) Cookies!

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Cookies are back, you guys! Truly my favorite character on The Walking Dead. They’re just so darn compelling and dynamic. Hey, you ungrateful little piece of shit, your mom made you cookies. Do you know how rare cookies are in the zombie apocalypse? I’m not about to crunch the numbers in-depth, because I’m bad at math and don’t like to do it, but I can safely say most people are not eating cookies these days. What’s more, those are freshies. Straight out of the oven. The perimeter is slightly burnt with a supple middle. Their whole molecular composition changes when they settle! The clock is ticking on those cookies!

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“On a scale of 1 to Carl, how bad is my haircut?”

Get your goofy haircut downstairs and eat those cookies, mister! You know what? Maybe go down the street, I think your neighbor is giving a seminar on how to decorate your wrists with a steak knife. That might be more your speed. If you can’t handle fresh cookies, I’m not sure you’re cut out for the rest of what this world has in store for you.

7) Try Stabbing The Head

Stab the head. Use your bottle and stab the head. It’s not that hard, Deanna. All you’re doing with those chest shots is ripping open new reservoirs of blood to explode all over your face. Who knows? Maybe she’s into that kind of shit. Damn, Deanna. YOU A FREAK! Bonafide freak. It’s always the ones you least suspect who turn out to be the, “I want you to spray blood all over my face!” freakiest.

8) Rick’s Love Garage

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Sam! Stay upstairs, Sam! Whatever you do, do not go downstairs right now! Cookie time is officially over. If you thought your mom shoving scissors into a stranger’s chest was traumatic, I don’t think you need to see Rick Grimes laying down the laws of love next to your BMX bike. Man, the Grimes family really knows how to make their presence known in a small town! Killing husbands, banging moms, and stealing girlfriends. I hear Judith is running a daily fantasy sports betting site off the front porch. It’s a zombie legal grey area! Get it while the getting is good, Judith!

9) Loud Noises

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Did nobody read Rick’s text on the group chat about keeping it down? Deanna is slapping the fence like it’s the biggest bag of wine this side of the Mississippi. Her piece of shit son is on lookout eating crackers, the loudest snack known to man, directly above Zombiepalooza. No doubt dropping crumbs on their heads, because the only thing crackers do better than hold cheese and make noise is create crumbs. I’ve got a bad feeling about all of this! Tune in next week! What was leaking out of the fence? Will Rick teaching Carl’s sworn enemy how to shoot a gun come back to be a bad decision? Yes. Yes it will. Fucking duh that’s going to be a bonehead move in retrospect. Is Glenn catching up on The Knick with all the spare time he has under that dumpster? I sure hope so! The Knick is such a good show. Loving this new season of The Knick! None of this and more on s06e06 of The Walking Dead!

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